Women Leave for Themselves; Men Leave for Someone Else

I have seen my fair share of breakups between men and women, and from these, I have witnessed a rather recurring pattern. While men leave to replace the woman, women leave for themselves. Yes, there are instances where women leave relationships and hop into new ones, but this is for short-term relationships. Relationships where the women were not emotionally invested and really were sort of vetting the man to see whether they could date and love them. Thus, for such, when the women leave to replace, the men just fail to pass the test.

The pattern I am referring to of women leaving for themselves is highly experienced in long-term relationships, including marriage. For these relationships, women are not just emotionally invested, but they have fully bet their lives on these men. They give them everything, trust them with their lives. They give multiple chances, forgive one too many times, until it reaches a time when they decide they are better off alone.

You see, for many women in such situations, walking away is rarely an impulsive decision. It’s a quiet, calculated act of self-preservation. Women plot these exits for months, even years, such that by the time she decides to go, she leaves because staying any longer would mean losing herself, and she has absolutely no doubt that it’s the best solution, better than the fear of the unknown. A friend of mine told me that her aunt left her uncle after a 20-year marriage. When the man came back, begging and claiming to have changed, the aunt told him, “Hata ufunge kilemba, siwezi rudi.” I also remember a friend of mine who planned her exit and calculated it so perfectly that she started moving her belongings a week before the day she left. It was so calculated that she liaised with her kids and even had a new SIM card, which she only gave to her few loyal friends and dumped the other one as soon as she left.  

This phenomenon can also be best described by the famous ideology of “date them until you hate them.” Or like my friend always says, it’s always best to heal at the crime scene, such that by the time you leave, life goes on. My favorite thing about this ideology is that it heals the contemporary woman from the idea of “kuvumilia,” preached by our mothers. The modern woman has the liberty to choose herself and leave a relationship that no longer serves them—if it comes to that.

Unfortunately, I think men do not perceive this because when a man leaves a relationship, he already has a replacement. Statistics and psychology alike point to how men, culturally and emotionally, have been conditioned to see women as emotional caregivers. So, when a relationship ends, or when a man feels a relationship is no longer serving them, their instinct is to find someone new to “fill the gap.”

This explains why some men move on in what seems like record time. I’m sure we all know of a random man who got married barely six months after their over 5-year relationship ended. Why? They want to fill the void. Fortunately, or unfortunately, this does not necessarily mean it’s because men are heartless; rather, it points to the fact that men have not been taught how to sit with discomfort, with accountability, or with solitude. To men, being single is loneliness, and this narrative should change.

We need to stop glorifying who “moved on” first and start asking deeper questions like Who grew and chose themselves? Who healed? Who took accountability? Because true healing doesn’t come from finding another person, and in this regard, the contemporary woman is winning!