Let us circle back, or if you may, reflect on the day that was yesterday—Father’s Day.
First, I loved just how much publicity this year’s Father’s Day received. I mean, never have I ever seen so much recognition of the day. In fact, I saw Murugi Munyi on her I.G page say that men needed to create more P.R around their day so that its celebrated more. Well, Of course it cannot be celebrated as much as Mother’s Day, but even half of it wouldn’t hurt right? Maybe in the future, baby steps.
Anyway, back to my very strong opinion on the day.
First, of course, as earlier stated, I loved that I saw many people make appreciation posts in honor of their fathers, including those who have departed. I love that people have gained enough courtesy and compassion to acknowledge that it might be a gloomy day for those whose fathers are not alive.
Second, and this might be the most important. You know how I am always preaching unlearning and relearning? I loved seeing it yesterday. I saw it on contemporary mothers who albeit being single mothers did not make the posts of wishing themselves father’s day. Now I am not saying this is bad. Single mothers step up and have to fill into the shoes of both parents. But you see, the bitter truth is that as a mother, you can only do so much. So I loved that despite these women acknowledging that they are the sole parents of their children, they also acknowledged and made peace with the bitter truth that they cannot be their fathers. And what I loved most, is seeing such women acknowledge the man (men) in their lives who in one way or the other filled the gap of a father figure, that their children needed. If you ask me, that is just beautiful.
Third, I loved seeing men raised by single mothers posting their mothers yesterday–I might not say it with enough weight, but I honestly, really loved that. To me, it was so deep, because it means that these men actually feel and appreciate that their mothers filled the void that they lacked from having a dad. They might not have literally been a father figure in their lives, but they worked hard enough that these men felt complete and content–even without a father figure in their lives.
Coming from men, I found these posts extremely rich seeing that men always complain that single mothers are acknowledged on father’s Day. So, to me, the idea that some men, do feel the need to acknowledge their mothers of Father’s Day is also part of what I advocate for, relearning, and it’s wonderful.
Fourth, I noticed that in most, if not all of the posts, the underlying message was, “Happy father’s Day to all deserving fathers.” Now this is to mean that many people understand that you can be a father just by the title, but if you don’t own up to it, or wear the shoes or the title, then are you really a father?
Finally, I just loved reading the appreciation posts on fathers. It makes me feel so warm inside knowing that many people had fathers and or father figures who really hoisted them up and shaped them into the people they are today. Yes, I agree, sometimes fathers are forgotten. It was good to see them remembered.
Because even though it silent, a father’s love is priceless 😊😊
The Merry Merry month of May has finally come to an end and I hate to break it to you, but having entered June, we are at mid-year and officially headed towards the second half of the year. Shocking I know, I cannot believe it either. Now back to May, my favorite month if I haven’t made it obvious enough. Apart from being my birthday month and the month the world celebrates mothers, there are actually more reasons to love May. In fact, how about we just call it the month of women. Because it is also in May that we have the Global Menstrual Health Day on 28th May. I don’t know about you, but to me, this basically makes it the World’s Menstrual Health Awareness Month.
Sometime back, probably towards the end of April I saw a post on a Facebook group “Newborns and Beyond,” where mothers, (Established Mothers) were discussing their experiences with their daughters starting their menstruation. Most of these mothers were hoping and praying that their daughters’ periods do not start until they were out of primary school. So that is until they were around 12 years. But, based on their experience, most of their daughters had had their first periods when they were as early as 8 years old!
To be honest, I was in utter bewilderment! I mean, isn’t an 8-year-old a child anymore? I mean, my Leroy is turning 7 this year and I still consider him a child. Yet, it means that if he were a girl, he probably would be getting his periods next year. WTH! The magnitude of the situation heightens when I remember I got my first my periods when I was 12, and back then, I was considered a rather early maturer. And this was actually the case because most of my friends, who were older than me by a year or two were just having their first periods, while some had not. Still, based on what these ladies were hoping for, I consider my mother lucky because my periods came just when I was about to sit for my KCPE, (27th October 2008. How do I remember the actual date? Beats me too 😂). So, technically, I was already done with primary school.
Sanitary Pads
Now that their daughters were getting their periods when they were literally ‘babies,’ what these mothers were mostly concerned about was how they were going to educate their girls on how to deal with periods, what were they, and especially period hygiene, seeing that they were so young. Now this made me think, my mother never taught me any of that. Not that she was a bad mother, but it was just a rather difficult topic to address. And neither was it the norm for mothers to have that talk with their daughters, I mean, I’m certain she never had the talk with her mother either. In fact, most of my friends who had the courage or any information about the topic while in primary school, apart from what we had learnt in reproduction, were much older and had older sisters. For the rest of us, when we were in class 8, ‘Always’ was still new in the market and in the quest to advertise their products and of course engage in CSR had come to our school, given us a short lesson on how to use their sanitary pads and given us a packet each. Of course, I gave it to my mother for safe keeping. Or was it to hide such that my brother never came across it. Yes, those were the times there was so much shame and embarrassment in menstruation and menstrual products.
Fast forward to 2022, and I must say I am loving the progress we have made on menstrual health. This May especially, I was awed by the number of organizations, influential persons and the average persons who engaged in activities to spread word on Menstrual Health. The amazing Janet Mbugua even started a podcast, “My First Time Stories” which gives women a space to share their first period experience in a quest to end the stigma on menstruation and spread awareness on the same. While I may not have been able to do much, maybe the least I could do is acknowledge and thank every woman who took part in spreading awareness in menstruation or helping out a girl in need. Creating change doesn’t have to be huge. You can always start by helping your neighbor, a girl in need and while it might just be one person, it has impact. And it creates a ripple effect where women go on helping others and that way we will slowly transform into a fully empowered nation and world in matters regarding menstrual health. And the beauty (and disadvantage) of menstruation is that it never ends, whichever the season, or whatever fire the world is in. Women within the reproductive age still get their periods. Thus, it is never late to help a girl who needs it and make an impact. Also, I feel that with the continuous education, Contemporary Mothers will be empowered enough to have both the knowledge and confidence of having these conversations with their young girls. And for those unfortunate girls who might not have mothers or sisters to hold their hands in the journey, there will be multiple platforms where they can access the information such that they too are not alone.
As a mother of one, sometimes I wonder, how a mother divides their love wholesomely among their several children. Like, when I get another baby, will I feel the same way I feel towards my Leroy, or will it be different? How will I be able to still love Leroy–like I do–and still love another baby the same? Now, this might appear lame to some of you, but it really is a legit question, and not all mothers are able to perfectly distribute their love to their children. I mean I have heard bitter people complain that their parents openly favored some of their siblings. But still, I know of many people who cherish and praise their parents for loving them and their siblings equally– but differently depending on their various personalities, needs and wants.
Still, this remains a fear of mine, what if in future, I cannot be the best mother to all-considering I am still learning on motherhood. However, like I wrote on Mother’s Day, Leroy calling me “good mother”, is really quite reassuring. Still on that post, (I guess we can call this its continuation) I had several people replying and acknowledging the fact that I remembered that toxic mothers do exist. I mean, how could I not. As much as most people adore their mothers and gush over how loving they were, and still are, there are some people who cringe at the sound and thought of their mothers, literally!
I remember back in primary school; I had a classmate who shuddered at the thought of her mother. I mean, she was completely petrified by her. She never carried her homework home, most of the times, but chose to finish it in school because when she got home, being the first born, she had to help her mother. She was a single mother, and being the first born, the girl, let’s call her-June- was undoubtedly the assistant mother. She was completely responsible for her siblings whenever her mother was not around which some months was a lot, seeing that her mother often worked nightshifts. I remember one specific day where she came to school looing quite worn-out. I mostly got to school early, so on that specific day, I could tell she arrived earlier than usual. I did not even have to ask, she told me that the previous night, she slept outside, with no supper, as her mother’s punishment for getting home late. Now even I was scared of her mother. And to this day, I can perfectly remember how that seemed liked the worst punishment I could ever receive as child. Every time I offended my mother, which I tried not to, I had this deep fear that literally gave me anxiety at the thought that she would give me the same punishment.
Toxic Mother
Needless to say, that was my first encounter with the idea that mothers could be cruel. Of course I grew up and learnt that there were many of such mothers, and worse. There are mothers who are physically abusive to their children, those that are psychologically abusive or both. I find it extremely sad and disheartening that some of these mothers believe that is how motherhood should be. That to be a great mother, you need to be tough and harsh, and violent lest your children stray–the typical “African mother.” And while they may mean well, it just isn’t right and doesn’t make it any less abusive. And sometimes, it becomes too excessive to be considered anything other than toxic. Sadly, like in the case of my friend, it was just a bitter single mother projecting her stress and frustrations on her child-Knowingly or unknowingly.
Then on the onset of the rise of the Contemporary empowered woman, came the dawn of absentee mothers. Now, given that I represent the voice of the contemporary woman, and a woman who believes that women should never have to choose between career and family; a woman who has addressed mom-guilt before and still insisted that it is okay and there is absolutely no shame in getting help to raise your child, yes, I dare say that there are absentee mothers.
You see, there is a thin line between being a working, busy mother, and a negligent mother who is even barely one. Now now, here me out before casting your stones. There are the contemporary mothers who do not want to experience any inconvenience, nor do they want to change their lives in the slightest bit to accommodate their children. These are the mothers– and I know some of my readers might hate me for this– who take their children to live with their grandmothers and only go to see them once per year, on Christmas. Now I am not too ignorant as to not understand that there are situations and circumstances that force some mothers to do this, but there are those that do not even try. In fact, they send their kids there to escape from the responsibility. These are the ones who never call to talk to their children, never send upkeep money, buy them something nice, go and spend a few days or even have them over for even a week when schools close. These are the mothers who make it their job to deny, and even hide that they are mothers to their city folks. The worst part is that, because of this, even while their circumstances may not be suitable for them to live with their kids, they do not even attempt to fix the situation, because they see no future living with their children.
Now here comes the most controversial part about this writing, and motherhood in general–women who choose not to be mothers. The era of toxic mothers, combined with the rise of absentee mothers, and the women empowerment has seen many women re-evaluate their choice, to be mothers. In fact, there have been several celebrities who have come out and clearly stated that they do not wish to get children. What I do not understand is why these women, despite representing the voice of many received so much criticism. Some of the reasons these women, and the many I have heard with the same opinion cite for their choice is; they wish to focus on their careers, or they feel motherhood is not for them-because they do not want to be responsible for children, or because they do not want to be tied down. I mean, aren’t these very logical and valid reasons to choose not to be a mother? Let us not pretend like motherhood is not a ‘job’ on its own. Like some women do not become mothers and regret it their entire lives, because if we are being honest, most absentee mothers never wanted to be mothers or weren’t ready to be.
Thorny Motherhood
I am a mother yes, but if any woman chooses not to be a mother, I would absolutely support them. In fact, I love the fact that the contemporary woman is so empowered that they know that their value in the society is not limited to their being mothers. I love that the contemporary woman knows that they can get the uttermost satisfaction not just from motherhood, but also from fulfilling careers. But above all, I love that some women are ready to break generational traumas by choosing not to be mothers, rather than being terrible mothers and scaring a whole other generation.
Today, 8th May 2022, is both my birthday and Mother’s Day. Am I excited? I don’t know. I mean I like the idea–I always loved my birthdays– but looking forward to the day, not so much, or maybe differently. I just know that it should be my day. I’m just not sure how I should spend it. Wait, maybe I am, it’s just that it does not conform to the typical birthday celebrations.
Enough of my birthday, we have an even bigger holiday today, Mother’s Day. I have heard men complain that women ask for many “holidays” in the year starting with Valentine’s Day, Women’s Day, now Mother’s Day, International Day of the Girl Child, ooh and there is another I recently discovered/ learnt about, Girlfriend’s Day”. However, despite all the complains, there is one of these days that they seem to agree deserves to be celebrated, and that is today–Mother’s Day.
I mean, I see people men allow for all other jokes except any that touches even an inch of their mother. I mean, the other day, I saw my brother post, “If I didn’t know God, my mother would be God.”
And well, not to put this out there but once–along time ago when we still were evolving–my brothers roughed up a woman who messed around with our mother. Again, not to put it out there 😂. But you know what, I still remember some woman ask, “How do you joke with a woman with grown sons.” My point? we all agree that mothers deserve our uttermost respect!
We all love our mothers; I know this might not be completely true to everyone because there are toxic mothers out there. But from what I know, the people who do not have supportive mothers or those brought up by toxic mothers have mother issues. Because it comes naturally to all of us that we should crave a mother’s love. With this in mind, I really sympathize with such persons, and send hugs not just to them, but to those who lost their mothers young. I wish I could tell you that I understand what you are going through, but that would be insensitive of me. So instead, I wish to tell you that I am proud of you for surviving thus far. 😊❤
Mothers are Amazing, I have heard y’all gushing over your mothers calling them queens, your pillars and what not with so much passion. Luckily, we pick up so much from them, knowingly or unknowingly. In fact, I know, as a mother, as fake of a mother as I may be–because I really don’t know if I really embody a mother as motherly as my mother–That woman is the real deal. Most of our mothers are, and they’ve been, since day one. It’s just that, we are just now realizing it as we grow older. It gets deeper when we are trying to be mothers ourselves and realize that we aren’t even close to being half of the mothers who raised us.
Which is why, for this Mother’s Day, I want to celebrate myself–and every other “startup” mother out there–The Contemporary Mother. Mothers who constantly question our abilities as mothers. We who do not know whether we are doing the right thing, leave alone doing enough as mothers. We who feel undeserving of the title. I mean sometimes I wonder you know how we always say that a man can be a father and not a dad. What if it’s possible to just birth a child and never be motherly enough to them? Maybe I am just overthinking, but I feel that is a thing. Either way, while we, “start up” mothers might not be as established as our mothers, and their mothers, I know we try. I mean I know I do, and I know several queens who do too. We might juggle between school, work and our motherly duties, and even just wing it with the “being a mother” but someone told me that that is what makes us mothers. It doesn’t matter whether you receive help. You are doing Good.
And you know what, the other day my Leroy called me, “Good mother” after I bought him something. You know, like I tell him, “Good boy” 😅 I don’t know about you, but, that’s pretty reassuring. 😊😊
Now let’s go back to just how much my mother is the best because at 7:35 a.m. (as I am writing this piece), I had already received a “Happy Birthday” text. She said “sikua nataka deni ya birthday” Oh how she knows me too well. 🤗🤗
Birthday Mama ❤
Speaking of which, you know how I said I know how to spend my birthday its just that it doesn’t conform to the typical birthday celebrations? I just want to rest man! Best, Stuffing my face with cake 🙂. The perfect Mother’s Day and Birthday merge.
Happy Mother’s Day To all mothers; yours, mine, you and me!
I took a much-needed (or was it?) sabbatical these past two months. Well, if I’m being honest, it was just supposed to be a short break but thanks to self-doubt, procrastination, and well life, what was supposed to be a two weeks break escalated to a two months break which might have just been what I needed, or maybe not, who knows? Oh yes, I do. While it might have been necessary, at first, I think it was a bit exaggerated.
While I was away, I loved that I could still see some growth on my page, well even though small, it was good affirmation for my soul. Also, while I was away, so much happened in the public eye, that affected the contemporary woman, so yes, it really caught my attention and I’m sure going to address it in due time.
What I have learnt during my sabbatical of self-evaluation and well, procrastination, is that you cannot pour from an empty cup. You must always, take care of yourself, even when it means sometimes, taking a break, and or focusing on one thing first.
Almost Empty Spilled Water Glass
And do you know what else I have realized; you must always be ready and able to stand on your own. Be your cheer leader, your greatest fan. It doesn’t matter who told you they got your back. Because you know what, they might not always be there-they too are busy slaying their own demons and might not always be at your beck and call. Or even worse, as it is in the human nature, they might change, you might fall apart, etc. So, who will hold you then if not yourself!
Interestingly, being ready to stand up for yourself includes standing for yourself, from yourself. You’ve got to learn to be sick and tired of your own shit. Your own poor choices, your excuses, your poor patterns, bad behavior, and toxic characters. This is the only way you’ll totally learn to be the best version, by keeping not only being your biggest cheerleader, but also your greatest critic. Because honestly, sometimes, we really are our biggest setbacks, it’s not even funny.
Oh, and guess what, you see those things that are always triggering you, you have to learn how to deal with them. Because nobody cares, and people cannot always walk on egg shells to protect you. It’s not their responsibility to protect you. Yes! that is just how selfish and ruthless the world is. It is up to you and only you to learn how to survive.
Finally, I have heard this quite a lot, and I just didn’t know how true it was. Here it is, you’ve got to unlearn so much of what you know or believe in. because well, you were taught by adults who were also learning. And maybe it was best suited for their time and now it just doesn’t cut it today. Or ̶̶and this is quite a twist- you were taught by adults who didn’t know any better, probably because they were still learning and figuring things out themselves.
So, what I’m I trying to say? You know that deep passion we always have when talking about our woes and misery. How you have been and/ or are going through a lot. We need to learn how to channel that same passion and more when addressing the good in our lives. And maybe then, we’ll learn that it really isn’t that bad. Or maybe, just how easily we can make it work for us.
