Domestic Violence (DV) is a very common occurrence in marriages, and sadly even typical boyfriend girlfriend relationships. However, in the case of marriage, leaving is more difficult since a marriage involves more ties and becomes even more twisted when there are children involved. Because of this, many partners, especially women stay in abusive marriages to protect their children. Because they do not want their children to come from a “broken home.” In other cases, women fear that when they leave, their partners will no longer care for their children, or even be available for them which makes them feel like they will deprive their children of their father which is enough guilt to make them go through years of torture and literally hell on earth.
The good thing is that today, there is more information and successful cases of divorce and separation which help women to know that they do not have to live through the hell. So finally, when their partners finally hit the last straw that breaks the camel’s back, many contemporary women leave. Mostly because they fear for their lives and in worst cases because they fear for that of their children, and because they know better. The problem is these people who support women and advise them to leave their toxic marriages or relationships sell them this idea that once you leave, that’s it! Your life goes back to being all smooth and perfect. The phrase mostly used is to sell this bliss is that “you go back to being a girl.”
“Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love.”
Jennifer Weiner
While this happens to many women—successful divorces—the dynamic is quite different for those who were married to abusive narcissist and especially those who had been married for years, built assets together and better yet, had kids together.
Unfortunately, the patriarchy is so deeply rooted that now that the contemporary woman has learned to run away from domestic violence through divorce, there now comes the rise of a different type of abuse, , The Post Separation Abuse. This abuse continues to escalate and might even surpass the domestic violence that was in the marriage. This is especially when the abuser is bitter, they were left, and is narcissistic enough to blame the victim for leaving mostly saying that they want to turn the children against them. The abusive ex-partner hates that they no longer have control over the situation so they attempt to gain some level of control over the situation in any way they know how.
This can manifest in various post separation abuse tactics:
- Stalking and Threats- This is the most common form of PSA. The toxic partner(ex) actively bombards the healthy partner with phone calls manipulative, abusive, and threatening messages. They even go to the extent of monitoring the whereabouts of the healthy partner on social media and even physically and impose physical threats.
- Isolation-The toxic partner spreads lies rumours, and made-up narratives to the friends, family, and entire community of the safe parent just to destroy their reputation and make it seem like they were the problem.
- Neglectful and/or Abusive Parenting- This is also one of the most prevalent forms of PSA. In these cases, the toxic parent exposes children to unsafe content, threatens them, uses violence, manipulation, ridicule, and always putting their needs above those of their children.
- Counter Parenting- In counter parenting, the toxic parent opposes the other parent’s parenting just to spite them. This includes withholding and denying them content for certain child needs even during serious situations such as medical needs.
- Legal Abuse- In some incidents the toxic partners misuses court proceedings to harass intimidate, coerce and emotionally and financially drain the healthy partner, especially when they gain legal custody of the children.
- Financial Abuse- This yet another famous form of PSA. This involves the toxic ex-partner withholding, mismanaging and or delaying support payments even when they are ordered by the court. The toxic person might even go to the extent of blocking bank account jeopardizing the career growth of the safe parent among others, just to make them despair.
- Coercive Control- For this form of abuse, post separation abuse narcissist creates a sense of fear to the healthy partner and safe parent’s life. They constantly belittle, undermine, criticize, gaslight, manipulate and emotionally abuse them just to regain some form of power and control over them. This is the most common form of PSA in the case of broken “come we stay” marriages.
Unfortunately, the only somewhat related resources to help victims of Post Separation Abuse are mediators, attorneys, and judges, and these unfortunately do not distinguish PSA from high-conflict divorces. Thus, victims of PSA only get help during the few months of the divorce as they deal with paternity cases and custody battles after which they are left on their own to deal with the gruesome PSA that only grows.
All this may just seem theoretical but there are many contemporary women (and men) dealing with severe Post Separation Abuse and its time that people spoke up about it such that there is educate information on how to navigate it.