The Contemporary Woman

Category: Family

  • What is Post Separation Abuse? What are the Various Post separation Abuse Tactics?

    What is Post Separation Abuse? What are the Various Post separation Abuse Tactics?

    Domestic Violence (DV) is a very common occurrence in marriages, and sadly even typical boyfriend girlfriend relationships. However, in the case of marriage, leaving is more difficult since a marriage involves more ties and becomes even more twisted when there are children involved. Because of this, many partners, especially women stay in abusive marriages to protect their children. Because they do not want their children to come from a “broken home.” In other cases, women fear that when they leave, their partners will no longer care for their children, or even be available for them which makes them feel like they will deprive their children of their father which is enough guilt to make them go through years of torture and literally hell on earth.

    The good thing is that today, there is more information and successful cases of divorce and separation which help women to know that they do not have to live through the hell.  So finally, when their partners finally hit the last straw that breaks the camel’s back, many contemporary women leave. Mostly because they fear for their lives and in worst cases because they fear for that of their children, and because they know better. The problem is these people who support women and advise them to leave their toxic marriages or relationships sell them this idea that once you leave, that’s it! Your life goes back to being all smooth and perfect. The phrase mostly used is to sell this bliss is that “you go back to being a girl.”

    “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love.”

    Jennifer Weiner

    While this happens to many women—successful divorces—the dynamic is quite different for those who were married to abusive narcissist and especially those who had been married for years, built assets together and better yet, had kids together.

    Unfortunately, the patriarchy is so deeply rooted that now that the contemporary woman has learned to run away from domestic violence through divorce, there now comes the rise of a different type of abuse, , The Post Separation Abuse. This abuse continues to escalate and might even surpass the domestic violence that was in the marriage. This is especially when the abuser is bitter, they were left, and is narcissistic enough to blame the victim for leaving mostly saying that they want to turn the children against them. The abusive ex-partner hates that they no longer have control over the situation so they attempt to gain some level of control over the situation in any way they know how.

    This can manifest in various post separation abuse tactics:

    • Stalking and Threats- This is the most common form of PSA. The toxic partner(ex) actively bombards the healthy partner with phone calls manipulative, abusive, and threatening messages. They even go to the extent of monitoring the whereabouts of the healthy partner on social media and even physically and impose physical threats.
    • Isolation-The toxic partner spreads lies rumours, and made-up narratives to the friends, family, and entire community of the safe parent just to destroy their reputation and make it seem like they were the problem.
    • Neglectful and/or Abusive Parenting- This is also one of the most prevalent forms of PSA. In these cases, the toxic parent exposes children to unsafe content, threatens them, uses violence, manipulation, ridicule, and always putting their needs above those of their children.
    • Counter Parenting- In counter parenting, the toxic parent opposes the other parent’s parenting just to spite them. This includes withholding and denying them content for certain child needs even during serious situations such as medical needs.
    • Legal Abuse- In some incidents the toxic partners misuses court proceedings to harass intimidate, coerce and emotionally and financially drain the healthy partner, especially when they gain legal custody of the children.
    • Financial Abuse- This yet another famous form of PSA. This involves the toxic ex-partner withholding, mismanaging and or delaying support payments even when they are ordered by the court. The toxic person might even go to the extent of blocking bank account jeopardizing the career growth of the safe parent among others, just to make them despair.
    • Coercive Control- For this form of abuse, post separation abuse narcissist creates a sense of fear to the healthy partner and safe parent’s life. They constantly belittle, undermine, criticize, gaslight, manipulate and emotionally abuse them just to regain some form of power and control over them. This is the most common form of PSA in the case of broken “come we stay” marriages.
    Post Separation Abuse Wheel OMB

    Unfortunately, the only somewhat related resources to help victims of Post Separation Abuse are mediators, attorneys, and judges, and these unfortunately do not distinguish PSA from high-conflict divorces. Thus, victims of PSA only get help during the few months of the divorce as they deal with paternity cases and custody battles after which they are left on their own to deal with the gruesome PSA that only grows.

    All this may just seem theoretical but there are many contemporary women (and men) dealing with severe Post Separation Abuse and its time that people spoke up about it such that there is educate information on how to navigate it.

  • 10 Things Mothers Really Want for Mother’s Day: Celebrating the Unconditional Love

    10 Things Mothers Really Want for Mother’s Day: Celebrating the Unconditional Love

    Mother’s Day is a special occasion that allows us to express our gratitude and appreciation for the incredible women in our lives. It’s a time to celebrate the unconditional love that mothers provide, and to recognize their immeasurable contributions to our well-being. On this day, it’s important to go beyond the typical flowers and chocolates and truly understand what mothers truly want. In this article, we will explore ten things that mothers really want for Mother’s Day, highlighting the significance of their unconditional love. Every year on Mother’s Day, there is the old tale of, mothers should be celebrated every day and so Mother’s Day is not that special. Please, let’s leave that mindset in Mother’s Day 2022 and before. As from this Mother’s Day, let’s take the opportunity to go beyond the ordinary and make mothers feel genuinely appreciated because even the smallest of gestures would suffice. As a mother of two now, I believe that I have garnered ample suffering and expertise in motherhood and set my roots enough to confidently outline 10 things I believe mothers really want o Mother’s Day -Of course I consulted other mothers too.   

    The Unconditional Love of Mothers

    A Mother’s Love Knows No Bounds

    A mother’s love is unlike any other. It knows no bounds and is characterized by its depth, selflessness, and unwavering nature. From the moment a child is born, a mother’s love becomes the guiding force in their lives. It is a love that transcends all obstacles and challenges, providing a sense of security and comfort.

    Sacrifices and Selflessness

    Mothers make countless sacrifices for their children. They put their needs and desires aside to prioritize the well-being and happiness of their families. Whether it’s staying up all night to comfort a sick child or working multiple jobs to provide for their family, mothers exemplify selflessness in its truest form.

    Unwavering Support and Encouragement

    Mothers are the ultimate cheerleaders. They provide unwavering support and encouragement, pushing their children to reach their full potential. Whether it’s attending every soccer game, recital, or school play, mothers are there, cheering on their children and providing a sense of comfort and motivation.

    10 Things Mothers Really Want for Mother’s Day

    Quality Time Together

    One of the most precious gifts a mother can receive is quality time spent with her loved ones. In our fast-paced lives, it’s easy to get caught up in daily routines and forget to pause and truly connect. This Mother’s Day, make it a point to spend uninterrupted time with your mother, engaging in meaningful conversations and creating lasting memories.

    A Break from Responsibilities

    Mothers are constantly juggling multiple responsibilities, from managing the household to taking care of their children’s needs. On Mother’s Day, give your mother a break from her daily duties. Take over the chores, cook her favorite meal, and allow her to relax and rejuvenate.

    Thoughtful Gestures and Acts of Kindness

    Small gestures of kindness can go a long way in making a mother feel cherished and loved. Surprise her with breakfast in bed, write her a heartfelt letter, or simply give her a warm hug. These simple acts of kindness will make her feel appreciated and valued.

    Words of Appreciation and Gratitude

    Expressing your appreciation and gratitude is a powerful way to make your mother feel loved on Mother’s Day. Take the time to tell her how much she means to you and how grateful you are for everything she has done. Let your words come from the heart and make her understand the profound impact she has had on your life.

    Pampering and Self-Care

    Mothers often put their own needs on hold to prioritize their families. This Mother’s Day, pamper your mother and encourage her to indulge in some much-needed self-care. Arrange a spa day, book a massage or facial, or create a relaxing environment at home where she can unwind and rejuvenate.

    Meaningful Gifts with Sentimental Value

    While material gifts can be a thoughtful gesture, what truly matters to mothers are gifts with sentimental value. Consider something that holds a special meaning or represents a cherished memory. It could be a piece of jewelry, a personalized photo album, or a handwritten journal filled with memories and heartfelt messages.

    Surprises and Delightful Moments

    Create delightful surprises for your mother throughout the day. It could be a surprise visit from a family member or friend she hasn’t seen in a while, a beautifully arranged bouquet of her favorite flowers, or tickets to a show or concert she has been wanting to attend. These unexpected moments of joy will make her day even more special.

    Creating Lasting Memories

    Mother’s Day is an opportunity to create lasting memories with your mother. Plan a day filled with activities she enjoys, such as going for a picnic, taking a nature walk, or cooking a meal together. Capture these moments through photographs or videos, ensuring that the memories will be cherished for years to come.

    Recognition and Validation

    Mothers often underestimate the impact they have on their families. Take the time to recognize and validate their efforts. Acknowledge their achievements, strengths, and the positive influence they have had on your life. Let them know that their love and dedication have not gone unnoticed.

    Unconditional Love and Support

    Above all, what mothers truly want is to feel loved, supported, and appreciated unconditionally. Show your mother that she is valued for who she is, not just for what she does. Remind her that your love is unwavering and that you are grateful for the immeasurable love she gives without expecting anything in return.

    Bonus Tip

    Mothers are selfless kind and understanding, eve the smallest of gestures goes a long way. Above all, remember that showing her love and appreciation in her love language is King.

    Conclusion

    Mother’s Day is a special occasion to celebrate the unconditional love and selflessness of mothers. It’s an opportunity to go beyond traditional gifts and truly understand what mothers really want. By spending quality time together, expressing appreciation, pampering them, and creating lasting memories, we can make Mother’s Day a truly memorable and meaningful experience for the incredible women in our lives.

    RELATED POSTS: Happy Mother’s Day to the Contemporary Woman! Happy Birthday to Me

    The Untold Thorny Matrix of Motherhood

    FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)

    Q1: Why is it important to recognize and validate a mother’s efforts?

    Recognizing and validating a mother’s efforts acknowledges her sacrifices and challenges, boosts her self-esteem, strengthens the bond between mother and child, and provides the emotional support she needs.

    Q2: How can I show my appreciation and validate my mother’s efforts?

    You can show your appreciation and validate your mother’s efforts by expressing gratitude, acknowledging her achievements, and demonstrating your love and support through words and actions.

    Q3: What are some ways to validate a mother’s efforts on Mother’s Day?

    You can validate a mother’s efforts on Mother’s Day by spending quality time together, expressing your gratitude and appreciation, and acknowledging her unconditional love and sacrifices.

    Q4: How does validation impact a mother’s well-being?

    Validation boosts a mother’s self-esteem, provides emotional support, and reminds her that her efforts are valued and appreciated. It can have a positive impact on her overall well-being and happiness.

    Q5: Why is it important to strengthen the bond between a mother and her children?

    Strengthening the bond between a mother and her children fosters open communication, trust, and understanding. It creates a sense of connection and deepens the emotional relationship between them.

  • The Father’s Day that was

    The Father’s Day that was

    Let us circle back, or if you may, reflect on the day that was yesterday—Father’s Day.

    First, I loved just how much publicity this year’s Father’s Day received. I mean, never have I ever seen so much recognition of the day. In fact, I saw Murugi Munyi on her I.G page say that men needed to create more P.R around their day so that its celebrated more. Well, Of course it cannot be celebrated as much as Mother’s Day, but even half of it wouldn’t hurt right? Maybe in the future, baby steps.

    Anyway, back to my very strong opinion on the day.


    First, of course, as earlier stated, I loved that I saw many people make appreciation posts in honor of their fathers, including those who have departed. I love that people have gained enough courtesy and compassion to acknowledge that it might be a gloomy day for those whose fathers are not alive.

    Second, and this might be the most important. You know how I am always preaching unlearning and relearning? I loved seeing it yesterday. I saw it on contemporary mothers who albeit being single mothers did not make the posts of wishing themselves father’s day. Now I am not saying this is bad. Single mothers step up and have to fill into the shoes of both parents. But you see, the bitter truth is that as a mother, you can only do so much. So I loved that despite these women acknowledging that they are the sole parents of their children, they also acknowledged and made peace with the bitter truth that they cannot be their fathers. And what I loved most, is seeing such women acknowledge the man (men) in their lives who in one way or the other filled the gap of a father figure, that their children needed. If you ask me, that is just beautiful.

    Third, I loved seeing men raised by single mothers posting their mothers yesterday–I might not say it with enough weight, but I honestly, really loved that. To me, it was so deep, because it means that these men actually feel and appreciate that their mothers filled the void that they lacked from having a dad. They might not have literally been a father figure in their lives, but they worked hard enough that these men felt complete and content–even without a father figure in their lives.

    Coming from men, I found these posts extremely rich seeing that men always complain that single mothers are acknowledged on father’s Day. So, to me, the idea that some men, do feel the need to acknowledge their mothers of Father’s Day is also part of what I advocate for, relearning, and it’s wonderful.

    Fourth, I noticed that in most, if not all of the posts, the underlying message was, “Happy father’s Day to all deserving fathers.” Now this is to mean that many people understand that you can be a father just by the title, but if you don’t own up to it, or wear the shoes or the title, then are you really a father?

    Finally, I just loved reading the appreciation posts on fathers. It makes me feel so warm inside knowing that many people had fathers and or father figures who really hoisted them up and shaped them into the people they are today. Yes, I agree, sometimes fathers are forgotten. It was good to see them remembered.

    Because even though it silent, a father’s love is priceless 😊😊

    ❤❤❤❤

    Nyambura Macharia.

  • Happy Mother’s Day to the Contemporary Woman! Happy Birthday to Me 😊

    Happy Mother’s Day to the Contemporary Woman! Happy Birthday to Me 😊

    Today, 8th May 2022, is both my birthday and Mother’s Day. Am I excited? I don’t know. I mean I like the idea–I always loved my birthdays– but looking forward to the day, not so much, or maybe differently. I just know that it should be my day. I’m just not sure how I should spend it. Wait, maybe I am, it’s just that it does not conform to the typical birthday celebrations.

    Enough of my birthday, we have an even bigger holiday today, Mother’s Day. I have heard men complain that women ask for many “holidays” in the year starting with Valentine’s Day, Women’s Day, now Mother’s Day, International Day of the Girl Child, ooh and there is another I recently discovered/ learnt about, Girlfriend’s Day”. However, despite all the complains, there is one of these days that they seem to agree deserves to be celebrated, and that is today–Mother’s Day.

    I mean, I see people men allow for all other jokes except any that touches even an inch of their mother. I mean, the other day, I saw my brother post, “If I didn’t know God, my mother would be God.”

    And well, not to put this out there but once–along time ago when we still were evolving–my brothers roughed up a woman who messed around with our mother. Again, not to put it out there 😂. But you know what, I still remember some woman ask, “How do you joke with a woman with grown sons.” My point? we all agree that mothers deserve our uttermost respect!

    We all love our mothers; I know this might not be completely true to everyone because there are toxic mothers out there. But from what I know, the people who do not have supportive mothers or those brought up by toxic mothers have mother issues. Because it comes naturally to all of us that we should crave a mother’s love. With this in mind, I really sympathize with such persons, and send hugs not just to them, but to those who lost their mothers young. I wish I could tell you that I understand what you are going through, but that would be insensitive of me. So instead, I wish to tell you that I am proud of you for surviving thus far. 😊❤

    Mothers are Amazing, I have heard y’all gushing over your mothers calling them queens, your pillars and what not with so much passion. Luckily, we pick up so much from them, knowingly or unknowingly. In fact, I know, as a mother, as fake of a mother as I may be–because I really don’t know if I really embody a mother as motherly as my mother–That woman is the real deal. Most of our mothers are, and they’ve been, since day one. It’s just that, we are just now realizing it as we grow older. It gets deeper when we are trying to be mothers ourselves and realize that we aren’t even close to being half of the mothers who raised us.

    Which is why, for this Mother’s Day, I want to celebrate myself–and every other “startup” mother out there–The Contemporary Mother. Mothers who constantly question our abilities as mothers. We who do not know whether we are doing the right thing, leave alone doing enough as mothers. We who feel undeserving of the title. I mean sometimes I wonder you know how we always say that a man can be a father and not a dad. What if it’s possible to just birth a child and never be motherly enough to them? Maybe I am just overthinking, but I feel that is a thing. Either way, while we, “start up” mothers might not be as established as our mothers, and their mothers, I know we try. I mean I know I do, and I know several queens who do too. We might juggle between school, work and our motherly duties, and even just wing it with the “being a mother” but someone told me that that is what makes us mothers. It doesn’t matter whether you receive help. You are doing Good.

    And you know what, the other day my Leroy called me, “Good mother” after I bought him something. You know, like I tell him, “Good boy” 😅 I don’t know about you, but, that’s pretty reassuring. 😊😊

    Now let’s go back to just how much my mother is the best because at 7:35 a.m. (as I am writing this piece), I had already received a “Happy Birthday” text. She said “sikua nataka deni ya birthday” Oh how she knows me too well. 🤗🤗

    Birthday Mama ❤

    Speaking of which, you know how I said I know how to spend my birthday its just that it doesn’t conform to the typical birthday celebrations? I just want to rest man! Best, Stuffing my face with cake 🙂. The perfect Mother’s Day and Birthday merge.

    Happy Mother’s Day To all mothers; yours, mine, you and me!

    ❤❤❤❤

    Nyambura Macharia

  • My Mother’s Story Part Two: Getting Help

    My Mother’s Story Part Two: Getting Help

    We had quite a smooth trip after which we arrived at the hospital  around 10:30 a.m. I remember thinking, we are only thirty minutes late, that’s got to be some kind of record I’ve made(I’m always late, which makes everyone late) However, just as we were about to get in the hospital, we got the shock of a lifetime. We had left behind the most important documents of all. Well, not literal documents–the CT and MRI scans. This is what would have been referred to as a classic Joyce move, had I been the one given the responsibility to carry the images. I still don’t understand how the images were left behind. But in hindsight, I believe that it was really God’s way of showing us that–like my mother had said before–everything was happening just as He had planned.

    December, 2022

    Despite our disappointment, we really had to think fast, and organized for the images to be sent through a matatu. This would take 3 hours for us to get them but what choice did we have? Also, coincidentally that day, Dr. F.Koech, the one my mother had an appointment with, was running late. Now this was a blessing in disguise, and part of God’s plan, because we could not see him without the scans. Three hours past and the driver said he was still on his way. Apparently, there was a lot of traffic jam as the road was under construction. At this point we had started to panic because doctor F.Koech had arrived. But who is God? Turned out he first had to go round the wards checking on the other patients and possibly discharging those he deemed fit. I must say that, the wait had become too long that we had started to get sceptical about the efficiency of the hospital. But it’s just because we were anxious and scared of history repeating itself–shame on us for doubting them.

    In an hour’s time, we already had the images and we were carefully directed to the waiting room–just me and my mother. There were quite a number of people waiting which was sad because they all had the big CT and MRI scans. It was sad because I realized just how many people are dealing with health issues everyday, and just how far some travel to find medical help. Seeing my mom, the nurse who took her blood pressure was so sympathetic. She pulled me to the side and told me, “I really wish you could see the doctor first, but it will be unfair since the others have also waited, seeing that he was late today.” However, she told me that after the first five patients went in, she would squeeze us in. And to her word, she did. That meant that in less than 30 minutes after the scans arrived, it was our turn to see the doctor. 😊

    Finally, he sighed, looked at my mother and asked, “Mama you mean all this time you have not been helped?” “naona umesumbuka na umezunguka sana,” he added. He then finished with, “Lakini usijali, umefika.”

    At this point I really had to ask whether he could help her just to be sure, and he said yes. Again he rechecked the images (which I loved, because it showed he really was being meticulous in his work). The interesting thing was that he never even once examined my mom. Nothing, he just carefully analyzed the images. After around 15 minutes, he now started explaining to us, her exact condition and what really needed to be done to treat her. He told us that as a neurosurgeon he would be the main surgeon, but her tumour covered other areas. Thus, he needed a team of surgeons; an eye surgeon, an ENT surgeon, and a beautician (I intentionally avoided using their professional names since this isn’t a medical blog). My mother was shook when he heard this because she had heard it before in her previous hospital and it had taken a year. But to our surprise, Dr. Koech started making the phone calls immediately. My mother and I were in total bewilderment when he said that she could even have the surgery that night! I mean literally, “tulikua tumefika.”

    Sadly, the ENT specialist was not available  as he was scheduled for another surgery later that night. However, he promised to be fully available the following day. By this time, it was around 5 p.m. so we really did not mind waiting until the following day. I mean, my mother had waited a whole year! Plus, actually it was for the better, so that we’d all have settled in and rested from the journey. We thanked Dr. Koech and headed to the admission desk where he directed us.

    The following day, February 19th, we were told by the hospital that my mother would need at least 12 pints of blood for her surgery. This meant that we had to find donors so that the world blood bank would provide the paints of blood. Remember my brother and I had never once, set foot in Eldoret. Luckily, Leroy’s dad had, and his cousin-brother was fortunately in Eldoret. We then called my cousin who called some of her friends to come donate–she had schooled in Eldoret  and pretty much grown up there. God was seriously overseeing everything for us because when we could not find enough people to donate—some of us were deemed ineligible to donate–we were given an exception.

    Finally, around 3 p.m, my mother was wheeled into the theatre room, and we did not see her until the following day. Get this, my brother and I were the signatories to her surgery. I know I’m a mother, but that has to be the  most  “adult” responsibility ever. During the surgery, my brother and I stayed outside the hospital, trying as much as we could to avoid that discussion–I honestly think distraction is the best way to handle tough situations. Still, it was hard to avoid the many calls which kept coming in, especially on mom’s phone.

    At around 9 p.m, one nurse came and told me that my mother was out of surgery and had been wheeled to the I.C.U and we could see her the following morning (I was the only one allowed to sleep in the hospital, as the caretaker)  She said it with a smile so even though she didn’t tell me, I knew the surgery was a success. I called everyone who had contacted me, informed them and finally I could sleep.

    The following morning my brother was at the hospital by 6:30 a.m. and fifteen minutes later we went to see her. Miraculously, she was already awake, and the swelling, was gone! We could barely acknowledge the bandage on her head, nor the discomfort she must have been in from excitement. She was back to her “old self.’’ Believe me, it was almost unreal! The good thing was that she was not in pain as the stitched part was still numb, and she was under heavy pain medication.

    The third day, she was stable and she was transferred to the ward. At least there, I’d keep her company so she wouldn’t get bored. We stayed at the hospital for ten days through which we were treated with uttermost professionalism, hospitality and kindness. By the time we were discharged, my mother might not have been fully healed, but her improvement was nothing short of a miracle. And for that, we’ll forever be grateful to God, and the entire Tophill hospital fraternity. Because that is where we got help.

    One year later, my mother is doing so much better and resuming her normal life 😊

    ❤❤❤❤

    Nyambura Macharia

  • My Mother’s Story Part One: Finding Help

    My Mother’s Story Part One: Finding Help

    This past Saturday, 19th February 2022, marked exactly one year since my mother got her life-changing surgery. Over the past year, I have mentioned in several of my stories about taking her to the hospital but I have never really written about it in detail. I have intentionally avoided writing about it because of various reasons. 

    First, I didn’t want to attach her before pictures to the story, because they just break my heart. Second, part of me felt (still feels) like by writing about it, I would be trying to use her illness to popularize my blog which would be the last thing I would want to do. Finally, I don’t know. I just wasn’t (still isn’t fully) comfortable writing about it.

    So why I’m I writing about it today? Because my mother—God Bless her Soul—insists that the story could help someone.

    “You know you’re scared of posting the before pictures because of how bad you think they are. But those are the ones that need to be seen the most. There could be someone in the same or worse situation and once they – or their friends and family see them – they would know where to turn to.” Her actual words.

    She had been going to KNH for almost a year following a twisted web of appointments that led nowhere. Her condition got exceptionally worse and turned into our worst nightmare. Of course, she’s right. Nobody should go what she had to when there was another way out.

    So now more than ever, the story needs to be heard.

    After my mother had been in Kenyatta for a while, we started looking for options. That’s when I learnt about Top Hill hospital. I mean I had heard about the hospital before, but it so happened that Leroy’s father had recently taken a friend of his to the hospital and he had received the help he deserved. What amazed me, was the convenience with which he went and got his treatment (which happened to be a surgery).

    So one day I was telling him (Leroy’s dad) about how my mother had not yet received help, and she kept on getting worse. Her face was literally swelling by the day. That’s when he suggested that we try taking her to Top Hill. I had thought about it, but it was just one of those thoughts that you did not fully have because you brushed it off too fast. Somehow, I did not find it feasible to ask my mother to travel all the way from Thika to Eldoret to get treatment. I myself had never even been there. Also, you know the typical thing is for a patient to travel from Eldoret to Nairobi to get treatment. I also didn’t think that the thought would even be embraced by my mother herself, leave alone the rest of the family.

    Either way, I googled Top Hill, trying to get their contacts, and I did. You know what even seemed more unbelievable to me, as soon as I texted via WhatsApp, I got instant feedback. And not, it wasn’t the WhatsApp autoreply messages. The hospital actually had a functional customer care service desk and helpline.

    I told my brother about it and he told me to pursue the enquiry before I could ask mom about it. However, ” the guy I was talking to” through the helpline number asked me for my mother’s medical history. You see, he wasn’t a doctor, he was just the receptionist, so for him to confirm whether the hospital could help my mother, he needed her medical history to confirm with an actual doctor. I had told him that my mother was in Murang’a at the time, so it would really be a bother to have her travel all the way when she had no assurance that she could get the help she needed. And honestly, he really got me.

    However, this also meant that I had to call my mom to ask for images of her medical records, and so I had to tell her about “my plan”, ready to do a lot of convincing if I had to. But contrary to my expectations, I didn’t have to. She was ready to try anywhere else. With the excruciating headaches she was having, she said was ready to try anywhere. “Handū ha ndūre ngirītīte Kīnyata,” as she put it–Kikuyu to mean instead of always trying to pursue help from Kenyatta Hospital.

    After my mother sent images of her medical history, everything moved really fast from then on. I forwarded the images to the guy and within two hours or so, he confirmed that my mother could get help. He further advised that it was best for her to meet the hospital’s main surgeon, who is also the founder of the Hospital, Dr. F. Koech. Now the tricky part was that he was only available on Tuesday and Thursday from 10 a.m. When I received this information, it was on a Tuesday evening. That meant that if my mother was to make it to see him that Thursday at 10 (the much-desired outcome), she had to travel the following day. So we had to act fast, and I wasn’t sure such a long journey could be planned in such a short time.  Either way, I called my brother and according to him, Thursday was the only option. (He had taken mom to KNH the previous day, and according to him, her state was an emergency).

    So that evening he went home and together with my dad they made the necessary arrangements and my brother was to travel with my mom the following day. The plan was for them to come and spend the night at my place, Kaplong, which is a reasonably close distance to Eldoret. Either way, we still needed to wake up early the following day since it was still a 3-4 hour drive to Eldoret. I had not seen my mother for a while so when I saw her, I understood why my brother thought it was an emergency.  Her eye and entire left face were so swollen that she looked nothing like my mother😞💔.

    19/2/2021: the day she was to receive treatment

    I couldn’t even get myself to look at her. I felt bad that she had been going to KNH from the time it was just a minor swelling up to the point where her face was literally deformed. What broke my heart the most was that all they had done on her last visit was tell her they would call. As if they hadn’t told her that before.  And I felt I had failed her terribly for not seeing her often enough to know she needed a way out. But, she kept on saying not to worry because everything was happening as God had planned and I just could not fathom the faith in that woman. It was admirable, palpable even. And as we later found out throughout her treatment process, she was right again, it was all in God’s timing.

    So on the 18th, Leroy’s dad, my brother, and I took my mother to the hospital…(to be continued in part two)

    ❤❤❤❤

    Nyambura Macharia

  • They Say the More The Merrier; Could that Apply to a Wedding too?

     

    After sixteen long years without attending a wedding, this past December, I attended my cousin-sister’s wedding. It was such a lively and beautiful wedding! The unbelievable thing about the wedding is that it was planned at the very last minute. We even joked about how the committee had only two members 😂— the bride, and ‘‘Short Joyce’’ (we are 5 Joyce(s) Nyambu the First, Joyce Murimi, Pretty Joyce, Me, and Short Joyce; but that’s a story for another day)
    You know those stories you always hear about how fundis will frustrate you? I finally had an experience of my own.
    The day before the wedding, we went to pick our bridesmaids’ dresses. Being a jubilee wedding, we had chosen Kitenge fits to be unique. Oh, and yes, it worked! When we got to the fundis we had trusted with the dresses, we were utterly surprised.

    Make no mistake, saying that we were utterly surprised is a serious understatement. Three dresses were complete and done well (though not to our expectations) but my dress couldn’t have been further from the design I wanted. As if that was not enough, it wouldn’t even fit me! The grudgingly annoying thing is that one of the girls who worked at the shop implied that I was the one wearing it wrong! Let’s give her a name, she seemed like a Pamela. So, Pamela insisted on trying to (allegedly) help me wear it “right”.  Now have you ever been suffocated by a dress and you can’t take it out?! That was me at that moment. Thanks Pamela, but you almost choked me to death with a dress! You probably wouldn’t believe me when I say that that was not the worst-case scenario but it really wasn’t. One dress was not made and the fundis didn’t know it! They literally took ‘‘Pretty Joyce’s’’ measurements then, and started looking for her Kitenge fabric. Ooh, you’re wondering what time it was for us to cause an uproar. It was almost 5. p.m., on the eve of the wedding! 😂

    And while we were all panicking, the main fundi in the shape asked, ‘‘si bora ikue ready before harusi?’’ And yes, that was it, and fortunately yes, she did deliver. We picked the dresses at around 10 a.m., and they were ready! And now that that stress was done, it was time for the much-anticipated wedding.
    The wedding took place in St. Thomas A.C.K Huruma with a total of three couples. Now let me tell you the pros and cons of a jubilee wedding. Now I know that the obvious pro everyone knows about is on the aspect of money and you are right. Jubilee weddings are a great way of having a budget wedding. For example, at the wedding I attended, the church funded the food, which was a great save for the couples. But then again, one of the couples who had the wedding had their private reception at a different venue so they did not conduct the wedding because of the budget savings. Still, I would never have known about that had I not been told so it is really not on the list of the pros I observed.


    Now to the pros, I observed,


    You know the saying, ‘‘The more the merrier?’’ Yeah, that’s true! The wedding had three couples so more attendees from their various families. Imagine having three entrances in three different songs, dances, and bridesmaids in different outfits, how beautiful is that?
    The second pro, the occasion was indeed a celebration of love. We went to the wedding for our couple-Nyambura and Njihia-but that did not mean that we did not celebrate with the other couples. We cheered just as much when it was their turn to perform, give out their vows, dances, and speeches. And vice versa was true, at the end of the wedding, there was a surprise birthday celebration for Njihia (Nyambura the bride had secretly organized and got the cake) and you should have seen how the other couple and their people sang along!


    The third pro is quite an interesting one and might seem far-fetched but here it is. I believe the wedding gave the couples confidence. If you ask me, a wedding is more like a performance. The couple getting married is literally on a stage performing to a huge crowd. This can cause them serious stage fright, especially when they are naturally shy. In a jubilee wedding like Nyambura’s, there are several couples at the stage which could ease up on the stage fright. At the beginning of the wedding, our Nyambura was extremely shy, and so was the other bride I kept tabs on, Lucy. (I have to say, Lucy was such a happy bride. She could not wipe off the smile of her face which was just so beautiful) However, as the wedding continued, they gave each other confidence, stopped being shy, and gave us quite a show dancing.
    The last pro I observed, no one can argue with – the wedding was a great way for people to appreciate different tribes and their cultures. You know that bride I enjoyed watching, the one with the permanent smile? She and her husband were Luo. Nyambura and the third couple (the Munenes) were Kikuyu. Now back to Lucy and her people, they played really beautiful Luo songs when it was their turn to perform. And the way her people danced, you just found yourself swaying and dancing, even when you could not understand the music. I remember seeing my cousin on one of the ‘‘dancing circles’’ of Lucy’s people and she said, ‘‘Nī gūtahwo’’. Directly translated, this means ‘‘I was scooped’’ which is the best way to say she simply got swayed.


    Now to the cons,


    I only observed two cons, which unfortunately are huge deal breakers to a Jubilee Wedding.
    First, there is a lack of privacy. The main con of a jubilee wedding is that it is not private. You have to share your special day with other couples and their people. So, if you don’t view it with a ‘‘the more the merrier’’ perspective, you will find it to be a huge invasion of privacy, inconveniencing, and too crowded. This applies whether you are the couple getting married, or a guest to the wedding.

    Secondly, the wedding could feel like a competition. It is in human nature to be competitive. Thus, in a jubilee wedding, the couples will find themselves comparing themselves and their teams with the other couples and competing in terms of outfits, dances, wedding arrangement, among others. In this specific wedding, Nyambura decided that as the bridesmaids we should wear kitenge outfits so that we would be ‘‘unique’’ and stand out from the rest, in the spirit of competing. Also, at the end of the wedding, I remember us saying that we had won because the wedding switched to Njihia (the groom)’s surprise birthday celebration. Now I don’t know what we were competing, but we won 😂😂

  • Unlearning, and Relearning the Definition of a “Broken Home”

    Unlearning, and Relearning the Definition of a “Broken Home”


      Working from home, I mostly love to sit in my bed (my office) and write alone in the silence. It is so quiet and serene which is great both for my thoughts, and my writing. Although sometimes it can get too comfortable that I lose a whole day 😭. Today, my quiet was interrupted by the wailing and screams of a woman, whose voice sounded familiar. These screams followed a loud thud from what I believe was a man hitting her. The thud sounded again and this time, she screamed even louder. By then, there was commotion as I started hearing the voices or two more women, and that of a another man—aside from the attacker.


      The argument continued for quite a while and I couldn’t help but thank God their older kids were not around to watch—being a school day. I could not quite comprehend what they are saying because they are speaking in Kipsigis, but I could hear the clear cut pain and hurt in her vibrating voice. To be honest, such incidents scare the hell out of me 😱 However, every time I pray to God that I never become that woman on the receiving end. I always find myself thinking, but that woman never asked for it either. She too, prayed to never be in that position and yet there she was.  So what makes me think I am so special?

      You know the saddest thing about such cases is that sometimes—most times—these women stay. They stay, hoping, and praying that it gets better. Because when is it really the right time to leave? And you know, sometimes it is not about traditions and the aspect of women being told to stay, “vumilia” and pray. It is not about, “ what will people say?” It is about a woman who still sees the good in the man she loved. A woman whose heart still has not come to terms with the fact that that man hitting them, is not the same man they fell-in-love with. I woman whose heart is so broken, but one who still loves.  💔💔

      Over the past two years, I have seen so many of these cases that, I have involuntarily turned into a really bitter woman. It is very unfortunate for me that I might never see marriages and partnerships in as much positivity as I did before. Or was I just naive and living in a cocoon of the Disney happily ever after? — I loved it better there.


      I read on a blog I love (they had  shared the post)  that the society should stop viewing single mothers as to having broken homes because theirs is not the typical home of a father, mother, and children.  Their homes are not broken, they are a conventional home, and happy family of the mother and her kids. Broken homes are unhappy homes filled with chaos, homes where the children live with parents who are always fighting, or homes where the parents do not talk to each other. Such homes and families are so broken that they can only be best described as roommates!

       Whenever I hear a child scream because they saw their dad hit their mother, or their mother throw something at their dad and it almost hit them, or the story of how such events happened, my heart (even in a movie, because having seen it in real life, I no longer see it as just fictional acting) I imagine the pain, confusion, anger, and resentment in children brought up in such homes, and how it will affect them as adults, and I wish I there was a prayer, or a magic potion that could make sure they happen.

      Visual Representation of a Frustrated Boy


      You know I wish there was a way the contemporary woman could tell and know that their long-term relationship and or marriage would not work in the future. That the person you trust will one day turn into the one that wrecks you, and the family you built together. Then we would simply let them go when it is easy. Because honestly, teaching your heart to leave when you have spent 15 years and shared 2 to 3 kids with them, (and you don’t know who you are without them) that has got to be the literal leap of faith.  Sadly, most women do not get the strength to choose themselves and do it. Instead, they choose their families; they stay for their kids.  They just are oblivious of the fact that they choose broken families themselves and their kids. We really need to unlearn, and re-learning the definition of a broken home.

      ❤❤❤❤

      Nyambura Macharia

    • I am My Mother’s Daughter

      I am My Mother’s Daughter

      I have a confession. It has literally taken me 25 years to have the best relationship with my mother! I grew up as an only daughter and sister to three brothers. Being the only daughter, you would expect me to have a rosy relationship with my mother, right? Even I expected the same honestly, but it was very much the opposite.
      Growing up my relationship with my mother was always shaky. We could never last two days without an argument. I remember one time I threatened to report her to the police for child labour 😂😂😂. Okay, it was not that my mother overworked me. In fact, there was not enough work for her to overburden me with in the first place.  It was just the usual house chores, and the occasional trips to the shop. The problem was me! “Honestly, me sipendi kutumwa…😭😭.” I can say that now, and even tell my mom, who perfectly understands me to be of that nature, but imagine having a 12-year-old daughter who you can’t send anywhere without them whining and whingeing.


      It was torture for my mom, I imagine, having just one daughter and never getting to enjoy their company because they were angry at you most of the time. When I got to high school, our relationship should have become easier. I mean at that time, I could wake up and conduct all the necessary chores without my mom having to tell me. Unfortunately, our relationship was still shaky and we had no time to bond because of the sorry yet unavoidable fact that I was mostly at school.
      Also, now that I think about it, I am certain that while at school, I was kinda embarrassed of calling my mom because the “Nairobi kids” made the rest of us feel like calling and speaking to our parents in mother tongue was the most shameful act imaginable (Paleeeeeseeee!). So, being used to using kikuyu with my mother, our ‘Kiswahili phone calls’ were direct and straight to the point.


      Fast forward to when I finished high school and left home to stay with my aunt, whom I should respectfully call mother as well. Either way, mum or aunt, she is such a delight! One of my favourite persons actually. While I had the chance to bond with her, once again my mother and I had no chance. When I got to campus, our relationship started blooming. Suddenly, we didn’t argue as much when I got home from school. I understood that she had to “order” me around and I knew when I was wrong. Despite being stubborn, I tried to see life from her perspective. I knew that it was bad to say no, so even when she told me to do something and I hated it, I still did it. She had also grown to know me by then, so when she could tell I didn’t want to do something she had asked me to do and she was in a position to do it, she did it.


      During my second year in Campus I got pregnant. While the scared me thought it would break the newly found relationship with my mother even before it blossomed further, things took a turn for the better. My mother never once shouted at me, even though I know it was hard for her to explain to people why I was pregnant. Because believe me, they asked. Somehow, she knew that I had already “punished myself for my sins.” For me, her being able to understand me and stand by me when she had every reason not to was everything. Still, I did not want to burden her, so once Leroy was born, I did not leave him behind when going to school. This, my mother loved about me. It was like my stubbornness was finally a good thing 😊😊


      She would always call to ask how we were coping, and juggling with school. Even though I didn’t know it then (because to me it was what I was supposed to do), turns out I was killing it! By the time I was done with campus, my mom and I had an okay relationship. By okay, I mean, above average; definitely miles from where we started, but so far away from where we are now. I could say at the time, we were just acquainted 😂😂😂


      Our relationship then still had boundaries. For instance, I can now tell my mom I do not want to do something, or go somewhere. Then, I could not😂 She was more of my mother than she was my friend, and I was still partially afraid of her and she partially felt like she had to keep some distance between us to maintain the respect. From the year 2018, the year I moved out of my parents’ house, my relationship with my mother has just flourished!
      I think as I grow older, I resonate more with my mother because I grow to be more like her each day. As for her, she has grown to understand that I am different from her and accepted that. She understands that I do not have to do things exactly how she does them. And unlike before, she is welcome to learning new and unconventional ways of doing things. How did I even forget to mention this? One of the greatest reasons my mother and I disagreed was because of how I did “things”. The different ways in which I mopped the house, did laundry, and especially the way I cooked! My mother was not open to new ideas. I mean, in most cases she was right, but in some ways, I was right. But being a stubborn child, I wanted to do it my way, and she did not like hearing, “the end justifies the means.” 

      Remember when I said I was growing to be more like her every day? I am that controlling woman who wants things done her way now! *Sighs* Funny thing is, my mother is so open to seeing things from my perspective now – which I love!

      Oh yes, there is another major aspect which has greatly contributed to my “perfect” relationship with my mother — I don’t know how to defend myself. I am always the oppressed person who calls their mother whenever people and the world turn on them. I will always be silent then call my mother to report about all the evil things y’all do to me. So the next time we disagree and I jokingly tell you, “nitakusema kwa mamangu,” I’m not joking 🤣 Heck I even tell that to my Leroy— and actually report him by the way. Ooh, and yes, my mother calls me to talk to my dad on her behalf now.


      My mother has been admitted to the hospital twice now. It has been sad yes, but not without its advantages. First, she got better, and second, the time spent with her was exactly what our relationship needed to fully blossom to, “my ideal” relationship with her.
      We had enough intimate time, to just enjoy each other’s company. I could explain to her what I do, and am planning to do carefully such that she understood. I got her perspective in life properly, tapped in on her very spiritual self, and much more. For the first time, I can now be totally free with her. And she does not feel like she needs to be “my mother” for me to respect her. She knows the respect is there.  Ooh and the best part, we could gossip about y’all for hours😅
      No, maybe that’s not the best part, I think the best part is I can tell her, “aki mom usinitume saa hii,” or “na mom leo umenituma sana.” And maybe she can hit me back with, ” na bado utaenda nikikutuma tena.” And she’s always right, because despite being stubborn, I am not disobedient. And in light of our “perfect” relationship, I would never say no to that woman.

      Speaking of which, I just remembered that her birthday is in five days, so now I can tell her over our routine hour-long phone calls, that this is my gift to her😅

      ❤❤❤❤

      Nyambura Macharia

    • Something to Take Away from Netflix’s “Maid”

      I have been watching a series on Netflix called “Maid.” Am sure some of you have heard of it. It’s rather new but has been among the top ten trending shows in Kenya for a while now. I have been trying to diversify my stories by focusing on other women’s issues. I believe that for my blog to be authentic and realistic in representing the life of “the contemporary woman,” then it needs to have wider perspective. So, I came up with this idea of writing a story about women I watch on films, or entire films, if they feature ideologies, events, or situations of interest in relation to my blog. These are stories I believe will inspire many of you as much as they inspired me; of course, written from my point of view. Before I got this website, I wrote about, “The Bold Type” on my Facebook page. This time, “Maid” is going to debut, “the Film Series,” on the website. Here’s the drill. I will be writing like one story a week highlighting a story about the contemporary woman drawn from TV and film. Nod if you agree 😄😄

      In high school our Kiswahili teacher, bless her, always told us that, “Isimu ni kioo cha jamii.” If I could vaguely translate that to English, I would say that all types of art such as film produced are an illustration of our society. It explains why different films, songs, comedies, and other forms of art differ in their production, styles, and content; because they represent different cultures, and societies. In this segment of my blog (“the Film Series”), I will write interesting stories and analyses of different women I watch in films. This way, you can learn, and get to discover new films you can also look out for. I mean, I will also get a reasonable excuse to watch at least one film per week.

      While watching “Maid,” I was first intrigued by the main character, Alex, and her rather complicated life (to say the least). But what made me really got me hooked was the realization that all the different women characters in the story had story lines featuring issues that affect different women in the society. From then on, I took the series very seriously and also very personally. It was like I was reading a set book in high school all over again.

      Let’s start with Alex, the main character. Alex is a 25-year-old mother of one who is an abusive relationship. Sounds familiar? That’s because it is! In fact, we’ve talked about it in the past. Alex’s situation is quite sad, mostly because she did not know she was in an abusive relationship since she was not being physically abused. However, that did not change the fact that she was in constant emotional abuse, and lived in constant fear and anxiety that maybe the next time he would snap and physically abuse her.

      The story gets even sadder because she was ashamed of admitting that she was a victim of domestic violence. What would people say? And who would even believe her when she did not have any physical bruises or injuries to back her claims? I know the answer to that should be no one would believe her, and indeed, in the real world virtually no one would believe her, but someone did believe her. Alex found herself in a domestic violence (D.V.) shelter led by a former victim of domestic violence, Denise. Being an old lady, Denise has seen all types of D.V. cases, and she knew that is exactly what Alex was going through.

      While in the shelter, Alex made a friend, Danielle, who helped her face her anxiety and other fears to focus on building her life back. There’s something that Danielle told her that stuck in my head – “before they bite, they bark.” To me, this was the perfect advice for any contemporary woman in an abusive marriage. Don’t wait till it gets worse; because it will. At the slightest “bark”, leave. Unfortunately, Danielle leaves the shelter to go back to her husband which according to Denise happened more than you think. Apparently, the typical woman leaves their abusive husbands for a maximum of seven times before they fully make up their minds to never go back.

      The interesting thing is that Alex, though not intentionally, also found herself back to living with Sean, her daughter Maddy’s father. I mean, he seemed to have changed, even stopped drinking. At some point, even I thought he was a nice guy, a good father. But you see, that’s exactly the point, he was a good father but a terrible husband. Eventually, he slipped right back to his old habits and Alex remembered exactly why he has left. But she felt trapped, she had no source of income especially since Sean had acted irrationally and as controlling as usual and essentially took away the car Alex used to commute to work. So, Alex remained trapped, and became withdrawn and helpless until she was totally fed up.

      This time, when she was leaving, she left with absolutely nothing. Her mind was made up, she wanted peace and a safe home for her daughter, and she knew that she could not find that living with her abusive boyfriend. She got her friend Regina to come pick her up and she went back to the D.V. shelter to rethink her life. She never looked back.

      The story had quite a happy ending. Alex got more jobs as a maid and saved enough to buy a car, she got accepted to a college to study writing, a successful student loan, and full custody of Maddy. Her happiest day finally came and she drove to Missoula, Montana, to study. Her life had begun afresh. If you are a woman in Alex’s shoes, you certainly deserve that!

      Anyways, remember when I said that there were many women in the show whose lives and experiences resonated to various contemporary women?

      Regina was a beautiful, filthy rich lawyer, but she was struggling with fertility, which finally led to her divorce. Alex was a poor, uneducated young mother who needed the strength to leave her abusive marriage and build herself and her career. Alex’s mother Paula was an old victim of domestic violence who turned to skimpy relationships and drugs to conceal her grief and past trauma. Denise who an elderly ex-domestic violence victim who dedicated her life to helping other women who were victims of the same. Danielle was a victim of Domestic Violence who still believed her husband would change despite his constant behavior, and finally Maddy, a young girl who didn’t deserve to grow up in an abusive and violent home.

      All these women represent “the contemporary woman,” working through different life situation sand trying to figure it all out.

      ❤❤❤❤

      Nyambura Macharia

    • The Story of “Mami”; Trust Me, You Will Love Her.

      The Story of “Mami”; Trust Me, You Will Love Her.

      My mother has been admitted to Top Hill hospital in Eldoret since Thursday last week. I could have written that my mother and I have been admitted, but that would mean that I am also a patient. The truth is, I am just here with her, as her caretaker, or so the hospital calls it. This is my second “visit” to Eldoret town. Ever. The first time was in February this year when she was admitted to the same hospital for the first time. I know, it’s not the ideal way for me to visit the place. Honestly, it would have been better to visit for a different reason. But, from a different perspective, maybe it is the ideal way because this is where my mother got medical help. You know, God’s plan?

      Anyway, the story of my mother is one I will address some other time when I am comfortable enough. Today, I am telling a different story. The story of another patient in that hospital. Back in February, we found this woman admitted near my mother’s ward cubicle. Back then, she was really sick and could barely talk. I did not even know what she was ailing from, and I did not have the courage to ask her caretaker. Somehow, I felt that I would be intruding. So I just minded my business, but it was nice to know that she was getting better since I started hearing her talk.

      The thing about being in a hospital is that it is like you form a community in the wards. Everyone is genuinely worried about the other patient. As unfortunate as the terms leading to the formation of this unique community are, it is such a beautiful society. In fact, it is possibly the closest thing to a genuinely united society that I have ever experienced — a community where everyone celebrates the other person’s recovery, even cheers them on when they do not even know their name.

      Now back to this lady. Unfortunately, when we went back to the hospital in September, she was still there. I was happy to see her talking and even walking to the bathroom, albeit with the support of a nurse. Her recovery seemed miraculous, considering the state I had left her in. However, as it turned out, she did not recover adequately to regain her original mental state. It was during this time that I learned that she had been involved in a road accident. Considering her old age and the impact of the accident, “Mami,” like all the nurses called her, and like she called everyone else, was slightly unstable mentally. It was also evident that she had emotional distress. Nevertheless, she was such a darling, and all the nurses loved her!

      As I saw the nurses attend to her, I realized that she had no “caretaker.” She was all alone. The word was that her family had abandoned her. That was when I remembered that back in February, there was a girl around my age who stayed with her in the ward. While I may not know for certain why her family left, my best guess would be the medical bill. She had stayed in the hospital for several months, and considering the state she was in at the start, the bill might have ballooned to a large sum. But, is that how it should be? Should people just abandon their relatives who stay too long and accumulate hospital bills?

      However, that is not the heart of this story. The heart of the story is about that woman, what she felt about her situation. Mami was in so much emotional distress. It was sad that she felt like she had done something wrong for her to be abandoned. She kept on repeating, “Mungu mmoja kuja, sio kupenda kwangu. Nisamehe kuja, sio kupenda kwangu.” At first, I would ask myself, what could it be that she had done to constantly ask God for forgiveness. Because believe me, she repeated that literally every second with a lot of recourse in her voice. This was before I learned that she had been abandoned, after which my entire perspective changed. She was actually asking God for forgiveness for being sick, for overstaying in the hospital. How sad can that get?

      And it was not just God that she was asking for forgiveness, even her kids. One night, I heard her saying, “Mtoto wangu nikujie, sio kupenda kwangu Mungu mmoja, ni ya Mungu.”
      That’s when it dawned on me; she wanted God to forgive her for being sick because she thought and felt that that was why her children had left her. She was asking for her family’s forgiveness as well because she felt like maybe if they forgave her, they would come to get her. Honestly, the thought of that broke my heart. Other times she would say, “nitafanya nini niokoke nikue mtu mzuri, nikue chini ya Yesu. Mungu nisamehe kwa jina ya Yesu.” To me, her story was a rude awakening. I have always heard of stories of people who had been abandoned in the hospital, but to me they were just that — stories.

      Now I got to see it and couldn’t help but wonder, how many women like her were out there in different hospitals? How many men and children? Despite Mami’s situation, she was lucky the nurses adored her and treated her right. But also, it was about who she was as a person. She was overly courteous and grateful to all the nurses. She did not forget a “Asante Mami,” when her bed was made, or after every trip they took her to the washroom. Even how she made the requests, “Mami naomba unipeleke uko,” while pointing to the washrooms. She even welcomed the nurses to her lunch, of course they did not eat with her, but the gesture is everything. She was such a darling, which is undoubtedly why all the nurses adored her.

      Still her situation made me wonder, what of the case of a patient who is neglected in a hospital with unfriendly nurses? How miserable were their lives? Mami felt like a burden, she even prayed asking God to come take her, “Mungu kuja unichukue, sio kupenda kwangu.” I guess she felt that, if her children would not come take her, then maybe God should.

      Sadly, most of the other patients who found her there simply assumed she was “mad.” but she certainly wasn’t. She might not be entirely stable psychologically, but she knew what she was saying. She was in severe emotional distress. She was suffering, yet sadly, no one could fully help her. She would only find peace if her son, “kijana yangu,” went to see her, or God took her. I know you are wondering what the lesson is here. I am also not sure what to take away from all this. It was just an empathetic story of woman who was suffering from the love of her of her children. So maybe the lesson is to love your family members enough to see them through their toughest situations. No matter how draining they might be, don’t allow them to beg and grieve for their love while still alive like “Mami” did.

      Even though she was receiving good care from her caregivers, she was still suffering because she felt her kids did not love her and should not be. She was craving a type of love that only her children and family could give. So, wherever you are, make sure you take good care of your family. Show them love always, in good and in bad — (and this includes your dearest friends!)

      ❤❤❤❤
      Nyambura Macharia

    • Am I Raising My Kid Well? (I Think I Have the Receipts).

      Leroy after a long day at work (school).

      As you know, I have just resumed writing and posting content on my blog. I had not done any creative writing or written to express my thoughts for quite some time, and it feels so great to be back. The interesting thing is that now that I am back, my mind is always spiralling, always looking for another story. As odd as it may sound, there is beauty to that. The beauty being that now, with my ever-spiralling mind, I can see even the slightest of incidents and see an exciting story out of it. I don’t know how to describe this best, but I think it is the beauty and joy that comes with doing something you love.

      In this case, I am going to write about my five-year-old son – Leroy. Just something I noticed a few days ago that I find interesting.  Now that I think about it, the broader context of the story, leans towards my idea of courtesy as it has emerged through my short parenting journey.

      I was brought up by parents who highly regarded courtesy and honesty. On most occasions, the crime was not making a certain mistake but lying about it. We were also taught always to say thank you, sorry, and please where necessary, as it was the courteous thing to do. As a parent, I try to instil the same courteous behavior in my son, Leroy. Although he is a little cheeky and has to some degree, learnt to lie to get out of trouble, I seem to have made some impact. Whenever I do something for him, especially when it involves food, he says thank you. However, I did not really bank on that so much to know I had taught him well because afterall, which kid doesn’t love food? I mean, the thank you is mostly from excitement.

      So, the other day, Leroy caught me off-guard when he suddenly told me, “mom pole.” I was confused since I could not remember having a dispute with him. He had just arrived from school and was waiting for his snack. So, I asked, “Pole, why?” And he said, “pole juu nliangukia simu yako jana. Sikua nataka mom, ilikua accident, sitaangusha tena.” He was wearing this innocently remorseful face that you could tell he was sorry.  I didn’t say,”Aaaaww,” out loud, but I guess I can say it now, aaaaawww.☺☺

      That’s when I remembered our “little” encounter the previous day.

      Leroy dropped my phone, and I got mad. He had made it a habit, or so I thought in between my fit of rage. He was not careful enough. I even had evidence to back up my conclusion. He always had his dad’s phone with him and he rarely mishandled it, let alone drop it. So, in my anger, I grabbed my phone and told him that I would never give it to him again. He did not say anything then, he just sat back wearing this frown, and I could not tell whether he was disappointed in himself or angry at me.

      Now that he had apologized for the incident, at least I knew as much as I had reprimanded him, he acknowledged that he was at fault. I am not going to lie though, I was taken aback by the fact that he could recall the incident when I had completely forgotten about it. I guess these are the surprises, joys, and rewards of parenting. I’ve always had the at least I’m trying” mentality when it comes to parenting but hey, looks like we’re doing something!

       

      ❤❤❤❤

      Nyambura Macharia

    • What It Means to be a Strong Woman (A Personal Story).

      You know what they say that when you get a wife, you get a good thing? Or that the best decision a man can make is to marry a good woman? Well, all these assertions are correct! However, I believe and have come to learn that the most accurate approach to marriage is that, whoever you choose as a life partner, make sure they are kind. You are probably wondering where I’m headed with this. Give me your ear, and I will explain.

      In 2015, my maternal grandfather was diagnosed with an illness, which I cannot quite fathom, except its symptoms. He started suffering from dementia that has significantly progressed over the years. He began forgetting people and places to the point that he could barely talk. After multiple hospital visits in different hospitals and seeing various specialists, it was revealed that his condition was irreversible. The doctor who seemed to understand his condition best explained that there must have been a time when my grandfather could not breathe, and his brain did not receive oxygen for several minutes, which is what triggered the illness. This theory makes sense because when my grandfather was first taken to the hospital at the onset of the illness, he had just visited his older sister. During that visit, he is said to have slept in a room that had been locked out for a while.

      Now, back to the main agenda of the story.

      With all his children married off and leading their own lives, they can only visit him so much. As such, my grandmother is my grandfather’s (her husband’s) main caretaker. She is entirely devoted to taking care of him despite the struggle. At this point, my grandfather, with his condition, can only lie in bed. My grandmother feeds and takes care of him like he were a child. I visited him last month and what amazed me is that despite the work and the hurt she must be in seeing her husband in that state, she never complains. She is still hopeful and has faith that God is in control.

      During our visit, my mother, her daughter, could see how disturbed I was, and she told me,

      “I used to come here, and whenever I am about to leave, I always left feeling sick. Then your grandmother told me we have to accept things for how they are, and apart from supporting her emotionally and financially, there is only so much that we can do.”

      Deep inside, I could not help but feel like I had failed my grandmother since I do not communicate with her as often as I probably should. My fear of the situation made me shy away, and I only ever asked my mom about her and how she was doing but rarely asked her directly. This, I swore to change.

      The beauty of the whole situation is that my grandmother, despite everything, still remains hopeful, generous, and very selfless. Because of this, you just cannot help but feel like you do not deserve her. But you know what, God does protect His people because my grandfather has my grandmother to take care of him. And she has people who support and care for her, even though I feel that what we do is still not enough. But as she remains hopeful and strong, so do we.

      So, you know how people call famous people their heroes; my grandmother is mine. Because she is quite literally the strongest woman I know.

      ❤❤❤❤

      Nyambura Macharia.