The Contemporary Woman

Category: Marriage

  • What is Post Separation Abuse? What are the Various Post separation Abuse Tactics?

    What is Post Separation Abuse? What are the Various Post separation Abuse Tactics?

    Domestic Violence (DV) is a very common occurrence in marriages, and sadly even typical boyfriend girlfriend relationships. However, in the case of marriage, leaving is more difficult since a marriage involves more ties and becomes even more twisted when there are children involved. Because of this, many partners, especially women stay in abusive marriages to protect their children. Because they do not want their children to come from a “broken home.” In other cases, women fear that when they leave, their partners will no longer care for their children, or even be available for them which makes them feel like they will deprive their children of their father which is enough guilt to make them go through years of torture and literally hell on earth.

    The good thing is that today, there is more information and successful cases of divorce and separation which help women to know that they do not have to live through the hell.  So finally, when their partners finally hit the last straw that breaks the camel’s back, many contemporary women leave. Mostly because they fear for their lives and in worst cases because they fear for that of their children, and because they know better. The problem is these people who support women and advise them to leave their toxic marriages or relationships sell them this idea that once you leave, that’s it! Your life goes back to being all smooth and perfect. The phrase mostly used is to sell this bliss is that “you go back to being a girl.”

    “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love.”

    Jennifer Weiner

    While this happens to many women—successful divorces—the dynamic is quite different for those who were married to abusive narcissist and especially those who had been married for years, built assets together and better yet, had kids together.

    Unfortunately, the patriarchy is so deeply rooted that now that the contemporary woman has learned to run away from domestic violence through divorce, there now comes the rise of a different type of abuse, , The Post Separation Abuse. This abuse continues to escalate and might even surpass the domestic violence that was in the marriage. This is especially when the abuser is bitter, they were left, and is narcissistic enough to blame the victim for leaving mostly saying that they want to turn the children against them. The abusive ex-partner hates that they no longer have control over the situation so they attempt to gain some level of control over the situation in any way they know how.

    This can manifest in various post separation abuse tactics:

    • Stalking and Threats- This is the most common form of PSA. The toxic partner(ex) actively bombards the healthy partner with phone calls manipulative, abusive, and threatening messages. They even go to the extent of monitoring the whereabouts of the healthy partner on social media and even physically and impose physical threats.
    • Isolation-The toxic partner spreads lies rumours, and made-up narratives to the friends, family, and entire community of the safe parent just to destroy their reputation and make it seem like they were the problem.
    • Neglectful and/or Abusive Parenting- This is also one of the most prevalent forms of PSA. In these cases, the toxic parent exposes children to unsafe content, threatens them, uses violence, manipulation, ridicule, and always putting their needs above those of their children.
    • Counter Parenting- In counter parenting, the toxic parent opposes the other parent’s parenting just to spite them. This includes withholding and denying them content for certain child needs even during serious situations such as medical needs.
    • Legal Abuse- In some incidents the toxic partners misuses court proceedings to harass intimidate, coerce and emotionally and financially drain the healthy partner, especially when they gain legal custody of the children.
    • Financial Abuse- This yet another famous form of PSA. This involves the toxic ex-partner withholding, mismanaging and or delaying support payments even when they are ordered by the court. The toxic person might even go to the extent of blocking bank account jeopardizing the career growth of the safe parent among others, just to make them despair.
    • Coercive Control- For this form of abuse, post separation abuse narcissist creates a sense of fear to the healthy partner and safe parent’s life. They constantly belittle, undermine, criticize, gaslight, manipulate and emotionally abuse them just to regain some form of power and control over them. This is the most common form of PSA in the case of broken “come we stay” marriages.
    Post Separation Abuse Wheel OMB

    Unfortunately, the only somewhat related resources to help victims of Post Separation Abuse are mediators, attorneys, and judges, and these unfortunately do not distinguish PSA from high-conflict divorces. Thus, victims of PSA only get help during the few months of the divorce as they deal with paternity cases and custody battles after which they are left on their own to deal with the gruesome PSA that only grows.

    All this may just seem theoretical but there are many contemporary women (and men) dealing with severe Post Separation Abuse and its time that people spoke up about it such that there is educate information on how to navigate it.

  • They Say the More The Merrier; Could that Apply to a Wedding too?

     

    After sixteen long years without attending a wedding, this past December, I attended my cousin-sister’s wedding. It was such a lively and beautiful wedding! The unbelievable thing about the wedding is that it was planned at the very last minute. We even joked about how the committee had only two members 😂— the bride, and ‘‘Short Joyce’’ (we are 5 Joyce(s) Nyambu the First, Joyce Murimi, Pretty Joyce, Me, and Short Joyce; but that’s a story for another day)
    You know those stories you always hear about how fundis will frustrate you? I finally had an experience of my own.
    The day before the wedding, we went to pick our bridesmaids’ dresses. Being a jubilee wedding, we had chosen Kitenge fits to be unique. Oh, and yes, it worked! When we got to the fundis we had trusted with the dresses, we were utterly surprised.

    Make no mistake, saying that we were utterly surprised is a serious understatement. Three dresses were complete and done well (though not to our expectations) but my dress couldn’t have been further from the design I wanted. As if that was not enough, it wouldn’t even fit me! The grudgingly annoying thing is that one of the girls who worked at the shop implied that I was the one wearing it wrong! Let’s give her a name, she seemed like a Pamela. So, Pamela insisted on trying to (allegedly) help me wear it “right”.  Now have you ever been suffocated by a dress and you can’t take it out?! That was me at that moment. Thanks Pamela, but you almost choked me to death with a dress! You probably wouldn’t believe me when I say that that was not the worst-case scenario but it really wasn’t. One dress was not made and the fundis didn’t know it! They literally took ‘‘Pretty Joyce’s’’ measurements then, and started looking for her Kitenge fabric. Ooh, you’re wondering what time it was for us to cause an uproar. It was almost 5. p.m., on the eve of the wedding! 😂

    And while we were all panicking, the main fundi in the shape asked, ‘‘si bora ikue ready before harusi?’’ And yes, that was it, and fortunately yes, she did deliver. We picked the dresses at around 10 a.m., and they were ready! And now that that stress was done, it was time for the much-anticipated wedding.
    The wedding took place in St. Thomas A.C.K Huruma with a total of three couples. Now let me tell you the pros and cons of a jubilee wedding. Now I know that the obvious pro everyone knows about is on the aspect of money and you are right. Jubilee weddings are a great way of having a budget wedding. For example, at the wedding I attended, the church funded the food, which was a great save for the couples. But then again, one of the couples who had the wedding had their private reception at a different venue so they did not conduct the wedding because of the budget savings. Still, I would never have known about that had I not been told so it is really not on the list of the pros I observed.


    Now to the pros, I observed,


    You know the saying, ‘‘The more the merrier?’’ Yeah, that’s true! The wedding had three couples so more attendees from their various families. Imagine having three entrances in three different songs, dances, and bridesmaids in different outfits, how beautiful is that?
    The second pro, the occasion was indeed a celebration of love. We went to the wedding for our couple-Nyambura and Njihia-but that did not mean that we did not celebrate with the other couples. We cheered just as much when it was their turn to perform, give out their vows, dances, and speeches. And vice versa was true, at the end of the wedding, there was a surprise birthday celebration for Njihia (Nyambura the bride had secretly organized and got the cake) and you should have seen how the other couple and their people sang along!


    The third pro is quite an interesting one and might seem far-fetched but here it is. I believe the wedding gave the couples confidence. If you ask me, a wedding is more like a performance. The couple getting married is literally on a stage performing to a huge crowd. This can cause them serious stage fright, especially when they are naturally shy. In a jubilee wedding like Nyambura’s, there are several couples at the stage which could ease up on the stage fright. At the beginning of the wedding, our Nyambura was extremely shy, and so was the other bride I kept tabs on, Lucy. (I have to say, Lucy was such a happy bride. She could not wipe off the smile of her face which was just so beautiful) However, as the wedding continued, they gave each other confidence, stopped being shy, and gave us quite a show dancing.
    The last pro I observed, no one can argue with – the wedding was a great way for people to appreciate different tribes and their cultures. You know that bride I enjoyed watching, the one with the permanent smile? She and her husband were Luo. Nyambura and the third couple (the Munenes) were Kikuyu. Now back to Lucy and her people, they played really beautiful Luo songs when it was their turn to perform. And the way her people danced, you just found yourself swaying and dancing, even when you could not understand the music. I remember seeing my cousin on one of the ‘‘dancing circles’’ of Lucy’s people and she said, ‘‘Nī gūtahwo’’. Directly translated, this means ‘‘I was scooped’’ which is the best way to say she simply got swayed.


    Now to the cons,


    I only observed two cons, which unfortunately are huge deal breakers to a Jubilee Wedding.
    First, there is a lack of privacy. The main con of a jubilee wedding is that it is not private. You have to share your special day with other couples and their people. So, if you don’t view it with a ‘‘the more the merrier’’ perspective, you will find it to be a huge invasion of privacy, inconveniencing, and too crowded. This applies whether you are the couple getting married, or a guest to the wedding.

    Secondly, the wedding could feel like a competition. It is in human nature to be competitive. Thus, in a jubilee wedding, the couples will find themselves comparing themselves and their teams with the other couples and competing in terms of outfits, dances, wedding arrangement, among others. In this specific wedding, Nyambura decided that as the bridesmaids we should wear kitenge outfits so that we would be ‘‘unique’’ and stand out from the rest, in the spirit of competing. Also, at the end of the wedding, I remember us saying that we had won because the wedding switched to Njihia (the groom)’s surprise birthday celebration. Now I don’t know what we were competing, but we won 😂😂

  • Unlearning, and Relearning the Definition of a “Broken Home”

    Unlearning, and Relearning the Definition of a “Broken Home”


      Working from home, I mostly love to sit in my bed (my office) and write alone in the silence. It is so quiet and serene which is great both for my thoughts, and my writing. Although sometimes it can get too comfortable that I lose a whole day 😭. Today, my quiet was interrupted by the wailing and screams of a woman, whose voice sounded familiar. These screams followed a loud thud from what I believe was a man hitting her. The thud sounded again and this time, she screamed even louder. By then, there was commotion as I started hearing the voices or two more women, and that of a another man—aside from the attacker.


      The argument continued for quite a while and I couldn’t help but thank God their older kids were not around to watch—being a school day. I could not quite comprehend what they are saying because they are speaking in Kipsigis, but I could hear the clear cut pain and hurt in her vibrating voice. To be honest, such incidents scare the hell out of me 😱 However, every time I pray to God that I never become that woman on the receiving end. I always find myself thinking, but that woman never asked for it either. She too, prayed to never be in that position and yet there she was.  So what makes me think I am so special?

      You know the saddest thing about such cases is that sometimes—most times—these women stay. They stay, hoping, and praying that it gets better. Because when is it really the right time to leave? And you know, sometimes it is not about traditions and the aspect of women being told to stay, “vumilia” and pray. It is not about, “ what will people say?” It is about a woman who still sees the good in the man she loved. A woman whose heart still has not come to terms with the fact that that man hitting them, is not the same man they fell-in-love with. I woman whose heart is so broken, but one who still loves.  💔💔

      Over the past two years, I have seen so many of these cases that, I have involuntarily turned into a really bitter woman. It is very unfortunate for me that I might never see marriages and partnerships in as much positivity as I did before. Or was I just naive and living in a cocoon of the Disney happily ever after? — I loved it better there.


      I read on a blog I love (they had  shared the post)  that the society should stop viewing single mothers as to having broken homes because theirs is not the typical home of a father, mother, and children.  Their homes are not broken, they are a conventional home, and happy family of the mother and her kids. Broken homes are unhappy homes filled with chaos, homes where the children live with parents who are always fighting, or homes where the parents do not talk to each other. Such homes and families are so broken that they can only be best described as roommates!

       Whenever I hear a child scream because they saw their dad hit their mother, or their mother throw something at their dad and it almost hit them, or the story of how such events happened, my heart (even in a movie, because having seen it in real life, I no longer see it as just fictional acting) I imagine the pain, confusion, anger, and resentment in children brought up in such homes, and how it will affect them as adults, and I wish I there was a prayer, or a magic potion that could make sure they happen.

      Visual Representation of a Frustrated Boy


      You know I wish there was a way the contemporary woman could tell and know that their long-term relationship and or marriage would not work in the future. That the person you trust will one day turn into the one that wrecks you, and the family you built together. Then we would simply let them go when it is easy. Because honestly, teaching your heart to leave when you have spent 15 years and shared 2 to 3 kids with them, (and you don’t know who you are without them) that has got to be the literal leap of faith.  Sadly, most women do not get the strength to choose themselves and do it. Instead, they choose their families; they stay for their kids.  They just are oblivious of the fact that they choose broken families themselves and their kids. We really need to unlearn, and re-learning the definition of a broken home.

      ❤❤❤❤

      Nyambura Macharia

    • Something to Take Away from Netflix’s “Maid”

      I have been watching a series on Netflix called “Maid.” Am sure some of you have heard of it. It’s rather new but has been among the top ten trending shows in Kenya for a while now. I have been trying to diversify my stories by focusing on other women’s issues. I believe that for my blog to be authentic and realistic in representing the life of “the contemporary woman,” then it needs to have wider perspective. So, I came up with this idea of writing a story about women I watch on films, or entire films, if they feature ideologies, events, or situations of interest in relation to my blog. These are stories I believe will inspire many of you as much as they inspired me; of course, written from my point of view. Before I got this website, I wrote about, “The Bold Type” on my Facebook page. This time, “Maid” is going to debut, “the Film Series,” on the website. Here’s the drill. I will be writing like one story a week highlighting a story about the contemporary woman drawn from TV and film. Nod if you agree 😄😄

      In high school our Kiswahili teacher, bless her, always told us that, “Isimu ni kioo cha jamii.” If I could vaguely translate that to English, I would say that all types of art such as film produced are an illustration of our society. It explains why different films, songs, comedies, and other forms of art differ in their production, styles, and content; because they represent different cultures, and societies. In this segment of my blog (“the Film Series”), I will write interesting stories and analyses of different women I watch in films. This way, you can learn, and get to discover new films you can also look out for. I mean, I will also get a reasonable excuse to watch at least one film per week.

      While watching “Maid,” I was first intrigued by the main character, Alex, and her rather complicated life (to say the least). But what made me really got me hooked was the realization that all the different women characters in the story had story lines featuring issues that affect different women in the society. From then on, I took the series very seriously and also very personally. It was like I was reading a set book in high school all over again.

      Let’s start with Alex, the main character. Alex is a 25-year-old mother of one who is an abusive relationship. Sounds familiar? That’s because it is! In fact, we’ve talked about it in the past. Alex’s situation is quite sad, mostly because she did not know she was in an abusive relationship since she was not being physically abused. However, that did not change the fact that she was in constant emotional abuse, and lived in constant fear and anxiety that maybe the next time he would snap and physically abuse her.

      The story gets even sadder because she was ashamed of admitting that she was a victim of domestic violence. What would people say? And who would even believe her when she did not have any physical bruises or injuries to back her claims? I know the answer to that should be no one would believe her, and indeed, in the real world virtually no one would believe her, but someone did believe her. Alex found herself in a domestic violence (D.V.) shelter led by a former victim of domestic violence, Denise. Being an old lady, Denise has seen all types of D.V. cases, and she knew that is exactly what Alex was going through.

      While in the shelter, Alex made a friend, Danielle, who helped her face her anxiety and other fears to focus on building her life back. There’s something that Danielle told her that stuck in my head – “before they bite, they bark.” To me, this was the perfect advice for any contemporary woman in an abusive marriage. Don’t wait till it gets worse; because it will. At the slightest “bark”, leave. Unfortunately, Danielle leaves the shelter to go back to her husband which according to Denise happened more than you think. Apparently, the typical woman leaves their abusive husbands for a maximum of seven times before they fully make up their minds to never go back.

      The interesting thing is that Alex, though not intentionally, also found herself back to living with Sean, her daughter Maddy’s father. I mean, he seemed to have changed, even stopped drinking. At some point, even I thought he was a nice guy, a good father. But you see, that’s exactly the point, he was a good father but a terrible husband. Eventually, he slipped right back to his old habits and Alex remembered exactly why he has left. But she felt trapped, she had no source of income especially since Sean had acted irrationally and as controlling as usual and essentially took away the car Alex used to commute to work. So, Alex remained trapped, and became withdrawn and helpless until she was totally fed up.

      This time, when she was leaving, she left with absolutely nothing. Her mind was made up, she wanted peace and a safe home for her daughter, and she knew that she could not find that living with her abusive boyfriend. She got her friend Regina to come pick her up and she went back to the D.V. shelter to rethink her life. She never looked back.

      The story had quite a happy ending. Alex got more jobs as a maid and saved enough to buy a car, she got accepted to a college to study writing, a successful student loan, and full custody of Maddy. Her happiest day finally came and she drove to Missoula, Montana, to study. Her life had begun afresh. If you are a woman in Alex’s shoes, you certainly deserve that!

      Anyways, remember when I said that there were many women in the show whose lives and experiences resonated to various contemporary women?

      Regina was a beautiful, filthy rich lawyer, but she was struggling with fertility, which finally led to her divorce. Alex was a poor, uneducated young mother who needed the strength to leave her abusive marriage and build herself and her career. Alex’s mother Paula was an old victim of domestic violence who turned to skimpy relationships and drugs to conceal her grief and past trauma. Denise who an elderly ex-domestic violence victim who dedicated her life to helping other women who were victims of the same. Danielle was a victim of Domestic Violence who still believed her husband would change despite his constant behavior, and finally Maddy, a young girl who didn’t deserve to grow up in an abusive and violent home.

      All these women represent “the contemporary woman,” working through different life situation sand trying to figure it all out.

      ❤❤❤❤

      Nyambura Macharia

    • When Is it the Right Time to Leave? (A Happy Ending).

      When Is it the Right Time to Leave? (A Happy Ending).

      During my 24th year, I made the first female friend after finishing campus; I might even say, the first lady friend I drew out of “life”. By this I mean, all my other friends have been school-related; primary school, high school, and campus friends. But with her, it was different; she was a friend I made while doing life as an adult. Of course, this might explain why we have so many differences. But, luckily, it also explains why our friendship grew exponentially in such a short time. I liked – and still do – listening to her because she has a more extensive experience in life than I did since she had left school before me.

      When we started getting close, I learned that my friend was having marital problems, so to speak. Sometimes, I would find her crying, and while she tried to hide it, I could tell she was dying inside. Then, there was this day she came to work with a swollen face and a torn lip. Just like it happens in the stories we read and the movies we watch, she lied to everyone that she fell in the bathroom while taking a shower to protect her husband. It’s not like she even had a choice; the man was hovering around to ensure she did not tell anyone of what happened. A churchman with the perfect image wouldn’t want his reputation tarnished now, would he?

      It was quite a controversial position for me to be in. I did not understand why the man, who looked so innocent and loved his two beautiful daughters, would be such a monster when it came to his wife. Worse still, I never said anything; I just kept quiet. I could not rebuke the man for his actions because I was not even supposed to know what happened in their marriage. And if I stood up for my friend and said something, he would probably beat her more at night because she told me. He had actually done that once, beaten her for disclosing their issues to the church. According to him, she was out of control and destroying his reputation in the church. As time passed by and the incidents kept repeating themselves. I realized that, in reality, life was not black and white.

      Why didn’t she leave you ask? She was waiting for the perfect time to go. She lives with her niece, who is in class 7, and she wanted her to finish class 8 first. She did not want to disrupt her education. Also, she tried to save as much money as possible to make it easier for her and her girls to start life. Yes, life is not black and white.

      Of course, the perfect time never came, and it finally dawned on her that by staying, she was risking her life.

      March 28th, 2021, a Saturday, marked the beginning of my friend’s life. She finally decided to leave, and for a whole week, she made a grandiose plot to do so. Frankly, I thought she was bluffing when she called me and told me she was leaving in three days’ time. By that time, her plan was already in motion. I just did not know it yet. She had packed a few utensils, enough for her to start life and just enough so that her husband would not notice anything was missing in the kitchen. The following morning at around 6 a.m., she brought them to my house for me to keep them.

      At this point, despite my fear of getting involved, like the coward I am, I knew I had to help her. That was when she told me the plan. She was to leave on Saturday when her husband was in church. I did not know how she was to organize and meet her daughters yet. It was already on a Thursday, so she only had Friday to complete her plan. That day, she made a call to the man who supplied her with fruits for her grocery store and made an order. She made sure that her husband overheard the call. However, he did not know that she was ordering them for her friend, and it was all meant to make sure that he was not suspicious of anything.

      That same Thursday, she moved the clothes had packed to a nearby shop for storage. She also made arrangements and paid for the house she was to move to, and by this time, everything was already going as planned. Then, on Friday, she told the husband that she would be going home to visit her sick mother on Sunday and asked for some money for shopping. Ironically, he supported the idea and even told her it would give her room to go and think of what she was telling people about their lives. Of course, that hurt her feelings, but she did not even react. She was tired of arguments, and she did not want anything to jeopardize her plan. At this point, she was so nervous and anxious that she could barely eat.

      Finally, the night which according to her seemed too long ended. It was Saturday at last. She prepared her two daughters and niece to church with their father. He was used to her not joining them for church. He did not always go with the girls to church, but on that day, he asked her to prepare them so he would take them with him. He must have been suspicious of her, but he knew she would never leave without them. Therefore, taking them to church with him was what he felt he was smart enough to frustrate anything she had planned.

      What he did not know was that she had already seen that coming. She planned with the niece, who is older, and made her carry a phone. It was to stay on vibration mode to call her when she was done packing everything in the car. Oh, I must have forgotten that part. She had rented a car for the “escape.” She was not to pick the call at all. When she called her and the phone vibrated, the girl, let’s call her Lindsey, informed her uncle that the youngest soiled her diaper and she forgot to carry one from home. At this point, the uncle would give them money to buy a new diaper. This would allow the three kids to leave the church without him being suspicious at all. I mean, if they did not return soon, he would only assume that they decided to go home and change the diaper there. I know, genius, right?

      So everything went on as planned, and the girls left the church. When they got to the road, my friend and I were waiting in the car, and they quickly got in. There was a slight hiccup in the plan, though. My lady friend, whose name I’ve chosen not to mention on her request, had forgotten to carry her gas cylinder. Not to worry, her niece went and picked it really quick. Had us panicking for some minutes there. But God was on her side, and in no time, she was back, and we were on the road. I had never seen her so happy. She literally started singing. Despite her constant fear of the unknown, she was certain leaving was what she wanted. Fast-forward six months and here we are, we talked on the phone yesterday and she tells me the only thing she regrets is not leaving sooner. She is happy now, and we, the contemporary women, should be happy for her!

      ❤❤❤❤

      Nyambura Macharia.

    • It’s Time to Separate Religion from Marriage; if You Haven’t Already

      Today, being a Sunday, I want to address a practice involving religion that I find to be incredibly archaic; and I believe the contemporary woman should not undergo.

      Disclaimer: I know some people may not agree with me, but this space here allows me to speak my mind and call out some of the challenges that continue to affect modern women, that I believe are outdated and should be abolished.

      The funny thing is, I had written a different article addressing the same topic but in a more raw and personal way, but I lost it. I have a hard copy of it, but I decided to juggle my mind and write afresh instead of retyping it. I have so much hatred and opposition against this issue that I could rewrite it in a thousand different ways😂 The hatred is so deep that I am  literally talking to myself (like the crazy woman I am) as I write this.

      Okay, enough with the yapping…Let’s get to the elephant in the room.

      The issue I am talking about today, I don’t know whether it’s a tradition, an undefined societal norm, or where the hell the whole thing came from. Apparently, there is a notion that women have to change their church (denominations) and join their husbands’ church after marriage. I find this to be not only absurd but borderline insane. Before I give my reasons for being against this, let’s look at it religiously. First, despite being married, a woman should have a life where she can make her own decisions, one of the most important decisions being her faith. I mean, should she join the other church without believing? And if she does so, doesn’t that incriminate her faith and her relationship with God. Because after all is said and done, we will all be judged separately. Moreover, don’t we all worship the same God, just in different ways? So why force a woman to join your church when she worships the same God in hers?

      Now on to my reasons…

      First, women are allowed to be independent thinkers; just because you are married does not mean that she should live your life. I find it very condescending and controlling.

      Also, it is safe to say that it is one of my worst traditions, so it just triggers my anger. The worst part, to me, is that it is sometimes the women who tell a young bride that she has to change to her husband’s faith now. “It is what our grandmothers did; it is what a good wife does.”

      God bless their souls; our grandmothers had no opportunity to oppose or even call out some of these traditions. They did some of these things because they had no choice. We live in different times now, a new era. Women can make their own decisions and choose their religion and denominations.

      The good news is that many literate, open-minded, and civilized men also consider it trash. I added open-minded and civilized because I have seen literate men and women who still have quite an archaic mindset.

      I have seen men who supported their women in their different denominations while they stuck to theirs, and their families stood. But, I have also seen men who got so attracted to their wives religion, believed, and started attending their churches. So, it is also possible for women to eventually switch to their husbands’ churches; but by choice and faith.

      I can imagine that some women and men who read this text will be surprised that the “tradition” remains. But if it affects even 1% of the contemporary woman, we have to discuss it.  I also know that others will read it and consider me “lost” for opposing and criticizing the practice but you’ll have to give me good reasons why this practice is still necessary. We might not agree but I’ll hear your point of view. As the great French essayist, Joseph Joubert, once said, It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it..

      ❤❤❤❤

      Nyambura Macharia

    • What It Means to be a Strong Woman (A Personal Story).

      You know what they say that when you get a wife, you get a good thing? Or that the best decision a man can make is to marry a good woman? Well, all these assertions are correct! However, I believe and have come to learn that the most accurate approach to marriage is that, whoever you choose as a life partner, make sure they are kind. You are probably wondering where I’m headed with this. Give me your ear, and I will explain.

      In 2015, my maternal grandfather was diagnosed with an illness, which I cannot quite fathom, except its symptoms. He started suffering from dementia that has significantly progressed over the years. He began forgetting people and places to the point that he could barely talk. After multiple hospital visits in different hospitals and seeing various specialists, it was revealed that his condition was irreversible. The doctor who seemed to understand his condition best explained that there must have been a time when my grandfather could not breathe, and his brain did not receive oxygen for several minutes, which is what triggered the illness. This theory makes sense because when my grandfather was first taken to the hospital at the onset of the illness, he had just visited his older sister. During that visit, he is said to have slept in a room that had been locked out for a while.

      Now, back to the main agenda of the story.

      With all his children married off and leading their own lives, they can only visit him so much. As such, my grandmother is my grandfather’s (her husband’s) main caretaker. She is entirely devoted to taking care of him despite the struggle. At this point, my grandfather, with his condition, can only lie in bed. My grandmother feeds and takes care of him like he were a child. I visited him last month and what amazed me is that despite the work and the hurt she must be in seeing her husband in that state, she never complains. She is still hopeful and has faith that God is in control.

      During our visit, my mother, her daughter, could see how disturbed I was, and she told me,

      “I used to come here, and whenever I am about to leave, I always left feeling sick. Then your grandmother told me we have to accept things for how they are, and apart from supporting her emotionally and financially, there is only so much that we can do.”

      Deep inside, I could not help but feel like I had failed my grandmother since I do not communicate with her as often as I probably should. My fear of the situation made me shy away, and I only ever asked my mom about her and how she was doing but rarely asked her directly. This, I swore to change.

      The beauty of the whole situation is that my grandmother, despite everything, still remains hopeful, generous, and very selfless. Because of this, you just cannot help but feel like you do not deserve her. But you know what, God does protect His people because my grandfather has my grandmother to take care of him. And she has people who support and care for her, even though I feel that what we do is still not enough. But as she remains hopeful and strong, so do we.

      So, you know how people call famous people their heroes; my grandmother is mine. Because she is quite literally the strongest woman I know.

      ❤❤❤❤

      Nyambura Macharia.