As a mother of one, sometimes I wonder, how a mother divides their love wholesomely among their several children. Like, when I get another baby, will I feel the same way I feel towards my Leroy, or will it be different? How will I be able to still love Leroy–like I do–and still love another baby the same? Now, this might appear lame to some of you, but it really is a legit question, and not all mothers are able to perfectly distribute their love to their children. I mean I have heard bitter people complain that their parents openly favored some of their siblings. But still, I know of many people who cherish and praise their parents for loving them and their siblings equally– but differently depending on their various personalities, needs and wants.
Still, this remains a fear of mine, what if in future, I cannot be the best mother to all-considering I am still learning on motherhood. However, like I wrote on Mother’s Day, Leroy calling me “good mother”, is really quite reassuring. Still on that post, (I guess we can call this its continuation) I had several people replying and acknowledging the fact that I remembered that toxic mothers do exist. I mean, how could I not. As much as most people adore their mothers and gush over how loving they were, and still are, there are some people who cringe at the sound and thought of their mothers, literally!
I remember back in primary school; I had a classmate who shuddered at the thought of her mother. I mean, she was completely petrified by her. She never carried her homework home, most of the times, but chose to finish it in school because when she got home, being the first born, she had to help her mother. She was a single mother, and being the first born, the girl, let’s call her-June- was undoubtedly the assistant mother. She was completely responsible for her siblings whenever her mother was not around which some months was a lot, seeing that her mother often worked nightshifts. I remember one specific day where she came to school looing quite worn-out. I mostly got to school early, so on that specific day, I could tell she arrived earlier than usual. I did not even have to ask, she told me that the previous night, she slept outside, with no supper, as her mother’s punishment for getting home late. Now even I was scared of her mother. And to this day, I can perfectly remember how that seemed liked the worst punishment I could ever receive as child. Every time I offended my mother, which I tried not to, I had this deep fear that literally gave me anxiety at the thought that she would give me the same punishment.
Needless to say, that was my first encounter with the idea that mothers could be cruel. Of course I grew up and learnt that there were many of such mothers, and worse. There are mothers who are physically abusive to their children, those that are psychologically abusive or both. I find it extremely sad and disheartening that some of these mothers believe that is how motherhood should be. That to be a great mother, you need to be tough and harsh, and violent lest your children stray–the typical “African mother.” And while they may mean well, it just isn’t right and doesn’t make it any less abusive. And sometimes, it becomes too excessive to be considered anything other than toxic. Sadly, like in the case of my friend, it was just a bitter single mother projecting her stress and frustrations on her child-Knowingly or unknowingly.
Then on the onset of the rise of the Contemporary empowered woman, came the dawn of absentee mothers. Now, given that I represent the voice of the contemporary woman, and a woman who believes that women should never have to choose between career and family; a woman who has addressed mom-guilt before and still insisted that it is okay and there is absolutely no shame in getting help to raise your child, yes, I dare say that there are absentee mothers.
You see, there is a thin line between being a working, busy mother, and a negligent mother who is even barely one. Now now, here me out before casting your stones. There are the contemporary mothers who do not want to experience any inconvenience, nor do they want to change their lives in the slightest bit to accommodate their children. These are the mothers– and I know some of my readers might hate me for this– who take their children to live with their grandmothers and only go to see them once per year, on Christmas. Now I am not too ignorant as to not understand that there are situations and circumstances that force some mothers to do this, but there are those that do not even try. In fact, they send their kids there to escape from the responsibility. These are the ones who never call to talk to their children, never send upkeep money, buy them something nice, go and spend a few days or even have them over for even a week when schools close. These are the mothers who make it their job to deny, and even hide that they are mothers to their city folks. The worst part is that, because of this, even while their circumstances may not be suitable for them to live with their kids, they do not even attempt to fix the situation, because they see no future living with their children.
Now here comes the most controversial part about this writing, and motherhood in general–women who choose not to be mothers. The era of toxic mothers, combined with the rise of absentee mothers, and the women empowerment has seen many women re-evaluate their choice, to be mothers. In fact, there have been several celebrities who have come out and clearly stated that they do not wish to get children. What I do not understand is why these women, despite representing the voice of many received so much criticism. Some of the reasons these women, and the many I have heard with the same opinion cite for their choice is; they wish to focus on their careers, or they feel motherhood is not for them-because they do not want to be responsible for children, or because they do not want to be tied down. I mean, aren’t these very logical and valid reasons to choose not to be a mother? Let us not pretend like motherhood is not a ‘job’ on its own. Like some women do not become mothers and regret it their entire lives, because if we are being honest, most absentee mothers never wanted to be mothers or weren’t ready to be.
I am a mother yes, but if any woman chooses not to be a mother, I would absolutely support them. In fact, I love the fact that the contemporary woman is so empowered that they know that their value in the society is not limited to their being mothers. I love that the contemporary woman knows that they can get the uttermost satisfaction not just from motherhood, but also from fulfilling careers. But above all, I love that some women are ready to break generational traumas by choosing not to be mothers, rather than being terrible mothers and scaring a whole other generation.
❤❤❤❤
Nyambura Macharia
