The Contemporary Woman

Tag: Friendship

  • The Beautiful and Complex Nature of Female Relationships

    In the first part of this story, I asked the contemporary woman of the oddest ways/places they have made friends. I then went ahead to give examples from my personal life and I am happy that some of y’all gave me feedback on examples from their own lives.  I have to say, that some of those stories were hilarious. Who knew girls could meet in male washrooms? If I remember correctly, at the beginning of that piece, I touched on just how complicated the friendships of the contemporary woman can get but never really dove deep into that. Today, we address that😃. That said, this is the story of the complicated relationships women have with each other.

    Friendships among us women get so complicated because of the weight we put into them. And I guess it starts pretty early in our lives. I remember while in primary school I had two best friends. Interestingly, that is the only time that I can say I had actual best friends who knew they were my best friends – Lynn and Lucy. We were so close that now when I look back at it, it is almost like we were in a cult! We used to go to this swampy area in our school and make wishes from some of the clear water ponds. We did everything together including planning our individual futures. Apparently, we were all to be surgeons 😂😂😂. I am glad to say that one of us— Lynn— is indeed a doctor and surgeon! As for me, the sight of blood makes me gag and lightheaded. Oh, and Lucy now works in a bank. Ours was a love story of three naive girls. Who knew it would end? Ooh wait, fate did!

    We drifted off after finishing primary school. Fortunately, Lynn and I went to the same high school and while we kept in touch, we were evolving. We were both trying to fit into a new environment; a competitive environment. The fact that we were in different classes did not help either, and eventually the besties status got buried. The case of Lucy is even sadder because after she went off to a different high school, we lost touch and finally, our friendship was reduced to a memory. I constantly tried to get her phone number, but to no avail. The few times we met in church while both of us were in campus, she did not reciprocate my enthusiasm in saying hi. I don’t blame her, because as we all grew, we changed, and possibly for her, the Lucy I knew in primary school, was not the Lucy she was then. Anyways, it’s not like it was all bubbly with Lynn. Despite having Lynn’s contacts, I cannot remember the last time we met. We do talk, and I consider us good friends but we are different individuals from who we were back then – we have noticeably grown, especially because of our varying career paths. Life has also given both of us character development to change our perspectives and attitudes in life. Nonetheless, it still great to know that I still keep contact with one of my only official best friends.

    In high school, I never had a best friend, so I really did not have any experience with complications from friendships. I was always the girl in the shadows, and that gave me the chance to see many friends have their friendships get complicated and eventually break. My classmates never had best friends so to speak, unless such friendships were formed after school. What they had were groups, or should I say gangs? There were gangs of the cool kids, gangs of the most beautiful girls, and those who were “dating” boys from the same school. The interesting thing about these gangs is that it was very easy for them to betray each other. There were times they gossiped about the “queen bee” of the group, “she is not the most beautiful in the group I am,” and sometimes a member of the group would get a letter from a boyfriend to another member of the group. Add the juvenile energy of teenage girls into the picture and you can imagine just how messy that got! There were also the occasional public humiliations, the ghosting, and the classic spreading of rumours. Needless to say, these turned into entanglements which eventually broke.  Well, since teenage girls never learn, new groups always cropped up, and the vicious cycle continued.

    Now, in campus and beyond is where these complicated relationships get really intense and ugly! At this stage, we are just being initiated into adulthood, and get to interact with real adults, but still have the little girls in us.

    Have you even been in a situation where you are introduced to your (guy) friend’s girlfriend and you and her become really tight. Like both of you just get each other, your energies match and you actually develop real friendship. Then, this is where it gets tricky, the two break up. You know how weird it gets when you are with the girl and then bump into the ex (the guy) and she does not want to see him? It gets even worse when the guy gets a new girlfriend. Now you are confused, should I get to know her too and become her friend or is that being disloyal to the guy’s previous girlfriend (my friend)? I mean, you have to, maybe she is nice too, and friendly. Now the worst-case scenario is when you become friends with both girls, because both of them are queens and you share different interest. How do you balance the two friendships? What if one of them feels bad, or is angry that you are still friends with the other?

    However, the beauty of the contemporary woman is that we are fast-evolving and in some cases, it is possible for the three women to be friends.

    Now let me give you an example of myself. When I was in campus, I had a friend—Mary. She was the closest I ever got to a best friend, after my two primary school sweethearts 😃. I might even consider it better with her because well, we were trying to navigate adulthood together so the problems were “real” then. Also, she brought ndumas (arrowroots in the white man’s language) to school during opening days and I loved them. It got to a point where I could call her and ask her to bring me some. I mean, even my mother called her when she couldn’t reach me. It was true love y’all. Unfortunately, when I got pregnant, I pushed everyone away, including her.  I also did not want to tell her I was pregnant because I felt ashamed, and thought she would judge me. At the same time, she had also started being friends with some other girls — they are still friends to date— and I felt like, she did not want to be my friend as much. I mean we saw each other less and less, because I was hiding from her, and because she was mostly busy with her new friends – I felt like she had abandoned me. Also, I was jealous of her newly found friendship.  We slowly grew apart, and because we did not talk, rumours—lies while we’re at that— got to me about what she had allegedly said about me. It turns out that she also received rumours about what I had allegedly said about her. Unfortunately, we could not compare notes, so I believed what I heard, and so did she. By then, the damage was so bad that she literally walked past me without so much as look at me. But you know what, we had a real connection! We eventually started talking again, maybe after a year. The funny thing is, we now discussed what she had heard and vice versa and it was just quite interesting baffling really of how much our words had been twisted. Our friendship thrived again and we became close once again. Still, she continued with her friendship with the other girls and am glad she did – at least they can be there for her when am not. We are still friends to date, we don’t talk on a daily, but we make long phone calls when we can.

    So yes, female friendships can be silly, messy, complicated, and even turn into literal entanglements and situationships. I’m sure you ladies have your own examples.

    ❤❤❤❤

    Nyambura Macharia

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  • Which is the oddest place/way you have made a friend? I’ll go first.

    Which is the oddest place/way you have made a friend? I’ll go first.

    Ladies, let’s talk. Have you ever been heartbroken by your lady friend? Have you ever made a friend in the weirdest of places or circumstances (like in a hospital, public washrooms, a bank queue or in your mother’s Chama meeting which both of you were literally forced to go)? Have you ever lost your girlfriend because they stopped being friends with your other friend? Ooh, this is a good one, have you ever cut short a good friendship because they stopped dating your brother, cousin, or your guy friend? Do you have a lady friend whom you totally love and trust with your secrets but you two met online and have never met in real life? And finally, the mother of all bombs, have you ever made friends with your man’s ex? If you can relate to any of these, or any other similar ones that I have not mentioned, then this article is for you. If you cannot relate to any of the above stated, then you are in for a ride.

    Men probably think that the most complicated relationships women are involved in are the romantic ones. Honestly, I would not blame them for thinking so. I am sure even some women think the same. But believe me, philia love among women can be just as complicated. But before we get to why I’m saying that, let me tell you one of the most unconventional ways I have made friends.

    Most friendships and relationships are the typical “girl-meets-girl” stories for instance meeting in school—either primary school, high school, or campus. Another very common story is making friends from family ties – family friends as they are commonly called (funny enough; I have none of these). These friends happen to be some of the most important people in our lives. Still, we have other friends whom we’ve become quite fond of, despite meeting them in the most unexpected ways. Let me drop some of mine.

    Earlier this year I made a friend in a matatu while travelling from Nakuru to Thika. She was the most religious lady I have met in while. She literally told me her life story of how she had barely survived as a single mother but now owned a thriving mitumba business. We do not keep much contact now, but at the time, her story was exactly what I needed to hear. It was amazing how she knew exactly what to tell me. She also helped me a lot by giving me a religious approach to dealing with my situation. She said, and I still remember, “if you work for it, God sees. I can now comfortably pay for everything my daughter needs, something I thought was impossible.”

    Then there is this brilliant girl who came into my life at the exact time she was supposed to! We met at the hospital my mother was admitted in the first time she was admitted. We were in the same ward and like I had told y’all in my previous story, that place is a community! We started off talking and she is such a sweetheart. To prove just how much fate had it in for us to meet, when my mother and I went back to the hospital, we met again — totally unplanned. I did not know she’d be going to the hospital that day and neither did she.

    Now, onto last year. I made a friend from a WhatsApp group. She is a beautiful woman who has really grown to be my friend. We almost met twice in Nakuru, but it seems like it’s not time yet. Nonetheless, we have developed a pretty good relationship to the extent that I vent to her about my issues, share my joys, and she also does the same. Just two women supporting each other through the ups and downs of life.

    Okay, now here is the MOAB. Back in 2019 I made a friend; back then she was just an acquaintance but the most unconventional friend out there. She is an ex-girlfriend to my baby’s dad. When the friendship started out, I’m certain it was the typical curiosity and investigative nature of women. For her, she wanted to know what kind of a person I was. As for me, if I am to be completely honest, I don’t even know😂 I was just curious, and respected that she had reached out to me. Later on, the texts evolved into an actual friendship. In fact, I always felt like maybe the friendship would have been better had we met under different conditions.

    Ooh, yes, then there is this woman I met in Eldoret in the best way, I don’t even know why I never wrote about it. As I was going to pick a matatu, you know how those conductors hover over someone?  They were literally all over me, so I decided to leave and go somewhere else to pick a different matatu. After walking like two blocks, I looked back and two of them were still following me. I stopped and told them to leave me alone and that I was not travelling. And you’d think they left me alone after that? Not they did not and at this point, I was scared. Then suddenly, I heard a woman start questioning them.

    “Why are you following her, she said she was not going anywhere. I have been going in the same direction as she is and you’ve followed her for quite some time now. Leave her alone, you are scaring the young woman.” It felt like I was literally being rescued from a horror movie🤧🤧

    Her name was Priscilla — I just had to use her real name— a beautiful woman in her 40s. She asked me where I was headed took it upon herself to accompany me to book a ticket. I felt like I was being too much of a bother to her. Or like I was not being enough of an adult as I was being “baby sat” from the chaos of life. I was so disappointed in myself that I could not assertively tell them to leave me alone. But above all, I felt like it was the world telling me that good people still exist and that for the contemporary woman to survive, we must fiercely protect each other like Pricilla did.

    Finally, there was this ordeal I had last week that pushed me to write about my many many female friends met in awkward ways and places. It was around 7 p.m., and there was this beautiful moon that I was trying to capture with my phone. Suddenly, this girl comes out of nowhere, “Hi, I know you.” She had a mask on so I wouldn’t have recognized her, had she not said hi. Turns out, we met once, in 2019, but were barely acquainted. She helped me take the picture—she offered since she was taller and had a shot at getting a better shot of the moon. We then walked chit chatting since we were headed in the same direction. She was an absolute darling, and I feel like I am about to have yet another good friend drawn out of nowhere. At least with this one, we do not always have talk to over the phone 😅 As always, I’ll tell you how it goes😃😃

    And yes, I could go on about female friends I have made in the most unexpected of places and ways but the point remains the same and I believe the contemporary woman can relate. In my next post, I will talk about how some of these relationships can get complicated and turn into literal situationships and entanglements, you certainly don’t want to miss that!

     â¤â¤â¤â¤

    Nyambura Macharia

  • When Is it the Right Time to Leave? (A Happy Ending).

    When Is it the Right Time to Leave? (A Happy Ending).

    During my 24th year, I made the first female friend after finishing campus; I might even say, the first lady friend I drew out of “life”. By this I mean, all my other friends have been school-related; primary school, high school, and campus friends. But with her, it was different; she was a friend I made while doing life as an adult. Of course, this might explain why we have so many differences. But, luckily, it also explains why our friendship grew exponentially in such a short time. I liked – and still do – listening to her because she has a more extensive experience in life than I did since she had left school before me.

    When we started getting close, I learned that my friend was having marital problems, so to speak. Sometimes, I would find her crying, and while she tried to hide it, I could tell she was dying inside. Then, there was this day she came to work with a swollen face and a torn lip. Just like it happens in the stories we read and the movies we watch, she lied to everyone that she fell in the bathroom while taking a shower to protect her husband. It’s not like she even had a choice; the man was hovering around to ensure she did not tell anyone of what happened. A churchman with the perfect image wouldn’t want his reputation tarnished now, would he?

    It was quite a controversial position for me to be in. I did not understand why the man, who looked so innocent and loved his two beautiful daughters, would be such a monster when it came to his wife. Worse still, I never said anything; I just kept quiet. I could not rebuke the man for his actions because I was not even supposed to know what happened in their marriage. And if I stood up for my friend and said something, he would probably beat her more at night because she told me. He had actually done that once, beaten her for disclosing their issues to the church. According to him, she was out of control and destroying his reputation in the church. As time passed by and the incidents kept repeating themselves. I realized that, in reality, life was not black and white.

    Why didn’t she leave you ask? She was waiting for the perfect time to go. She lives with her niece, who is in class 7, and she wanted her to finish class 8 first. She did not want to disrupt her education. Also, she tried to save as much money as possible to make it easier for her and her girls to start life. Yes, life is not black and white.

    Of course, the perfect time never came, and it finally dawned on her that by staying, she was risking her life.

    March 28th, 2021, a Saturday, marked the beginning of my friend’s life. She finally decided to leave, and for a whole week, she made a grandiose plot to do so. Frankly, I thought she was bluffing when she called me and told me she was leaving in three days’ time. By that time, her plan was already in motion. I just did not know it yet. She had packed a few utensils, enough for her to start life and just enough so that her husband would not notice anything was missing in the kitchen. The following morning at around 6 a.m., she brought them to my house for me to keep them.

    At this point, despite my fear of getting involved, like the coward I am, I knew I had to help her. That was when she told me the plan. She was to leave on Saturday when her husband was in church. I did not know how she was to organize and meet her daughters yet. It was already on a Thursday, so she only had Friday to complete her plan. That day, she made a call to the man who supplied her with fruits for her grocery store and made an order. She made sure that her husband overheard the call. However, he did not know that she was ordering them for her friend, and it was all meant to make sure that he was not suspicious of anything.

    That same Thursday, she moved the clothes had packed to a nearby shop for storage. She also made arrangements and paid for the house she was to move to, and by this time, everything was already going as planned. Then, on Friday, she told the husband that she would be going home to visit her sick mother on Sunday and asked for some money for shopping. Ironically, he supported the idea and even told her it would give her room to go and think of what she was telling people about their lives. Of course, that hurt her feelings, but she did not even react. She was tired of arguments, and she did not want anything to jeopardize her plan. At this point, she was so nervous and anxious that she could barely eat.

    Finally, the night which according to her seemed too long ended. It was Saturday at last. She prepared her two daughters and niece to church with their father. He was used to her not joining them for church. He did not always go with the girls to church, but on that day, he asked her to prepare them so he would take them with him. He must have been suspicious of her, but he knew she would never leave without them. Therefore, taking them to church with him was what he felt he was smart enough to frustrate anything she had planned.

    What he did not know was that she had already seen that coming. She planned with the niece, who is older, and made her carry a phone. It was to stay on vibration mode to call her when she was done packing everything in the car. Oh, I must have forgotten that part. She had rented a car for the “escape.” She was not to pick the call at all. When she called her and the phone vibrated, the girl, let’s call her Lindsey, informed her uncle that the youngest soiled her diaper and she forgot to carry one from home. At this point, the uncle would give them money to buy a new diaper. This would allow the three kids to leave the church without him being suspicious at all. I mean, if they did not return soon, he would only assume that they decided to go home and change the diaper there. I know, genius, right?

    So everything went on as planned, and the girls left the church. When they got to the road, my friend and I were waiting in the car, and they quickly got in. There was a slight hiccup in the plan, though. My lady friend, whose name I’ve chosen not to mention on her request, had forgotten to carry her gas cylinder. Not to worry, her niece went and picked it really quick. Had us panicking for some minutes there. But God was on her side, and in no time, she was back, and we were on the road. I had never seen her so happy. She literally started singing. Despite her constant fear of the unknown, she was certain leaving was what she wanted. Fast-forward six months and here we are, we talked on the phone yesterday and she tells me the only thing she regrets is not leaving sooner. She is happy now, and we, the contemporary women, should be happy for her!

    ❤❤❤❤

    Nyambura Macharia.