The Contemporary Woman

Tag: Women Relations

This tag constitues women issues among themselves, relationships, complications, female problems, goals among others.

  • The Beautiful and Complex Nature of Female Relationships

    In the first part of this story, I asked the contemporary woman of the oddest ways/places they have made friends. I then went ahead to give examples from my personal life and I am happy that some of y’all gave me feedback on examples from their own lives.  I have to say, that some of those stories were hilarious. Who knew girls could meet in male washrooms? If I remember correctly, at the beginning of that piece, I touched on just how complicated the friendships of the contemporary woman can get but never really dove deep into that. Today, we address that😃. That said, this is the story of the complicated relationships women have with each other.

    Friendships among us women get so complicated because of the weight we put into them. And I guess it starts pretty early in our lives. I remember while in primary school I had two best friends. Interestingly, that is the only time that I can say I had actual best friends who knew they were my best friends – Lynn and Lucy. We were so close that now when I look back at it, it is almost like we were in a cult! We used to go to this swampy area in our school and make wishes from some of the clear water ponds. We did everything together including planning our individual futures. Apparently, we were all to be surgeons 😂😂😂. I am glad to say that one of us— Lynn— is indeed a doctor and surgeon! As for me, the sight of blood makes me gag and lightheaded. Oh, and Lucy now works in a bank. Ours was a love story of three naive girls. Who knew it would end? Ooh wait, fate did!

    We drifted off after finishing primary school. Fortunately, Lynn and I went to the same high school and while we kept in touch, we were evolving. We were both trying to fit into a new environment; a competitive environment. The fact that we were in different classes did not help either, and eventually the besties status got buried. The case of Lucy is even sadder because after she went off to a different high school, we lost touch and finally, our friendship was reduced to a memory. I constantly tried to get her phone number, but to no avail. The few times we met in church while both of us were in campus, she did not reciprocate my enthusiasm in saying hi. I don’t blame her, because as we all grew, we changed, and possibly for her, the Lucy I knew in primary school, was not the Lucy she was then. Anyways, it’s not like it was all bubbly with Lynn. Despite having Lynn’s contacts, I cannot remember the last time we met. We do talk, and I consider us good friends but we are different individuals from who we were back then – we have noticeably grown, especially because of our varying career paths. Life has also given both of us character development to change our perspectives and attitudes in life. Nonetheless, it still great to know that I still keep contact with one of my only official best friends.

    In high school, I never had a best friend, so I really did not have any experience with complications from friendships. I was always the girl in the shadows, and that gave me the chance to see many friends have their friendships get complicated and eventually break. My classmates never had best friends so to speak, unless such friendships were formed after school. What they had were groups, or should I say gangs? There were gangs of the cool kids, gangs of the most beautiful girls, and those who were “dating” boys from the same school. The interesting thing about these gangs is that it was very easy for them to betray each other. There were times they gossiped about the “queen bee” of the group, “she is not the most beautiful in the group I am,” and sometimes a member of the group would get a letter from a boyfriend to another member of the group. Add the juvenile energy of teenage girls into the picture and you can imagine just how messy that got! There were also the occasional public humiliations, the ghosting, and the classic spreading of rumours. Needless to say, these turned into entanglements which eventually broke.  Well, since teenage girls never learn, new groups always cropped up, and the vicious cycle continued.

    Now, in campus and beyond is where these complicated relationships get really intense and ugly! At this stage, we are just being initiated into adulthood, and get to interact with real adults, but still have the little girls in us.

    Have you even been in a situation where you are introduced to your (guy) friend’s girlfriend and you and her become really tight. Like both of you just get each other, your energies match and you actually develop real friendship. Then, this is where it gets tricky, the two break up. You know how weird it gets when you are with the girl and then bump into the ex (the guy) and she does not want to see him? It gets even worse when the guy gets a new girlfriend. Now you are confused, should I get to know her too and become her friend or is that being disloyal to the guy’s previous girlfriend (my friend)? I mean, you have to, maybe she is nice too, and friendly. Now the worst-case scenario is when you become friends with both girls, because both of them are queens and you share different interest. How do you balance the two friendships? What if one of them feels bad, or is angry that you are still friends with the other?

    However, the beauty of the contemporary woman is that we are fast-evolving and in some cases, it is possible for the three women to be friends.

    Now let me give you an example of myself. When I was in campus, I had a friend—Mary. She was the closest I ever got to a best friend, after my two primary school sweethearts 😃. I might even consider it better with her because well, we were trying to navigate adulthood together so the problems were “real” then. Also, she brought ndumas (arrowroots in the white man’s language) to school during opening days and I loved them. It got to a point where I could call her and ask her to bring me some. I mean, even my mother called her when she couldn’t reach me. It was true love y’all. Unfortunately, when I got pregnant, I pushed everyone away, including her.  I also did not want to tell her I was pregnant because I felt ashamed, and thought she would judge me. At the same time, she had also started being friends with some other girls — they are still friends to date— and I felt like, she did not want to be my friend as much. I mean we saw each other less and less, because I was hiding from her, and because she was mostly busy with her new friends – I felt like she had abandoned me. Also, I was jealous of her newly found friendship.  We slowly grew apart, and because we did not talk, rumours—lies while we’re at that— got to me about what she had allegedly said about me. It turns out that she also received rumours about what I had allegedly said about her. Unfortunately, we could not compare notes, so I believed what I heard, and so did she. By then, the damage was so bad that she literally walked past me without so much as look at me. But you know what, we had a real connection! We eventually started talking again, maybe after a year. The funny thing is, we now discussed what she had heard and vice versa and it was just quite interesting baffling really of how much our words had been twisted. Our friendship thrived again and we became close once again. Still, she continued with her friendship with the other girls and am glad she did – at least they can be there for her when am not. We are still friends to date, we don’t talk on a daily, but we make long phone calls when we can.

    So yes, female friendships can be silly, messy, complicated, and even turn into literal entanglements and situationships. I’m sure you ladies have your own examples.

    ❤❤❤❤

    Nyambura Macharia

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  • Which is the oddest place/way you have made a friend? I’ll go first.

    Which is the oddest place/way you have made a friend? I’ll go first.

    Ladies, let’s talk. Have you ever been heartbroken by your lady friend? Have you ever made a friend in the weirdest of places or circumstances (like in a hospital, public washrooms, a bank queue or in your mother’s Chama meeting which both of you were literally forced to go)? Have you ever lost your girlfriend because they stopped being friends with your other friend? Ooh, this is a good one, have you ever cut short a good friendship because they stopped dating your brother, cousin, or your guy friend? Do you have a lady friend whom you totally love and trust with your secrets but you two met online and have never met in real life? And finally, the mother of all bombs, have you ever made friends with your man’s ex? If you can relate to any of these, or any other similar ones that I have not mentioned, then this article is for you. If you cannot relate to any of the above stated, then you are in for a ride.

    Men probably think that the most complicated relationships women are involved in are the romantic ones. Honestly, I would not blame them for thinking so. I am sure even some women think the same. But believe me, philia love among women can be just as complicated. But before we get to why I’m saying that, let me tell you one of the most unconventional ways I have made friends.

    Most friendships and relationships are the typical “girl-meets-girl” stories for instance meeting in school—either primary school, high school, or campus. Another very common story is making friends from family ties – family friends as they are commonly called (funny enough; I have none of these). These friends happen to be some of the most important people in our lives. Still, we have other friends whom we’ve become quite fond of, despite meeting them in the most unexpected ways. Let me drop some of mine.

    Earlier this year I made a friend in a matatu while travelling from Nakuru to Thika. She was the most religious lady I have met in while. She literally told me her life story of how she had barely survived as a single mother but now owned a thriving mitumba business. We do not keep much contact now, but at the time, her story was exactly what I needed to hear. It was amazing how she knew exactly what to tell me. She also helped me a lot by giving me a religious approach to dealing with my situation. She said, and I still remember, “if you work for it, God sees. I can now comfortably pay for everything my daughter needs, something I thought was impossible.”

    Then there is this brilliant girl who came into my life at the exact time she was supposed to! We met at the hospital my mother was admitted in the first time she was admitted. We were in the same ward and like I had told y’all in my previous story, that place is a community! We started off talking and she is such a sweetheart. To prove just how much fate had it in for us to meet, when my mother and I went back to the hospital, we met again — totally unplanned. I did not know she’d be going to the hospital that day and neither did she.

    Now, onto last year. I made a friend from a WhatsApp group. She is a beautiful woman who has really grown to be my friend. We almost met twice in Nakuru, but it seems like it’s not time yet. Nonetheless, we have developed a pretty good relationship to the extent that I vent to her about my issues, share my joys, and she also does the same. Just two women supporting each other through the ups and downs of life.

    Okay, now here is the MOAB. Back in 2019 I made a friend; back then she was just an acquaintance but the most unconventional friend out there. She is an ex-girlfriend to my baby’s dad. When the friendship started out, I’m certain it was the typical curiosity and investigative nature of women. For her, she wanted to know what kind of a person I was. As for me, if I am to be completely honest, I don’t even know😂 I was just curious, and respected that she had reached out to me. Later on, the texts evolved into an actual friendship. In fact, I always felt like maybe the friendship would have been better had we met under different conditions.

    Ooh, yes, then there is this woman I met in Eldoret in the best way, I don’t even know why I never wrote about it. As I was going to pick a matatu, you know how those conductors hover over someone?  They were literally all over me, so I decided to leave and go somewhere else to pick a different matatu. After walking like two blocks, I looked back and two of them were still following me. I stopped and told them to leave me alone and that I was not travelling. And you’d think they left me alone after that? Not they did not and at this point, I was scared. Then suddenly, I heard a woman start questioning them.

    “Why are you following her, she said she was not going anywhere. I have been going in the same direction as she is and you’ve followed her for quite some time now. Leave her alone, you are scaring the young woman.” It felt like I was literally being rescued from a horror movie🤧🤧

    Her name was Priscilla — I just had to use her real name— a beautiful woman in her 40s. She asked me where I was headed took it upon herself to accompany me to book a ticket. I felt like I was being too much of a bother to her. Or like I was not being enough of an adult as I was being “baby sat” from the chaos of life. I was so disappointed in myself that I could not assertively tell them to leave me alone. But above all, I felt like it was the world telling me that good people still exist and that for the contemporary woman to survive, we must fiercely protect each other like Pricilla did.

    Finally, there was this ordeal I had last week that pushed me to write about my many many female friends met in awkward ways and places. It was around 7 p.m., and there was this beautiful moon that I was trying to capture with my phone. Suddenly, this girl comes out of nowhere, “Hi, I know you.” She had a mask on so I wouldn’t have recognized her, had she not said hi. Turns out, we met once, in 2019, but were barely acquainted. She helped me take the picture—she offered since she was taller and had a shot at getting a better shot of the moon. We then walked chit chatting since we were headed in the same direction. She was an absolute darling, and I feel like I am about to have yet another good friend drawn out of nowhere. At least with this one, we do not always have talk to over the phone 😅 As always, I’ll tell you how it goes😃😃

    And yes, I could go on about female friends I have made in the most unexpected of places and ways but the point remains the same and I believe the contemporary woman can relate. In my next post, I will talk about how some of these relationships can get complicated and turn into literal situationships and entanglements, you certainly don’t want to miss that!

     ❤❤❤❤

    Nyambura Macharia

  • I am My Mother’s Daughter

    I am My Mother’s Daughter

    I have a confession. It has literally taken me 25 years to have the best relationship with my mother! I grew up as an only daughter and sister to three brothers. Being the only daughter, you would expect me to have a rosy relationship with my mother, right? Even I expected the same honestly, but it was very much the opposite.
    Growing up my relationship with my mother was always shaky. We could never last two days without an argument. I remember one time I threatened to report her to the police for child labour 😂😂😂. Okay, it was not that my mother overworked me. In fact, there was not enough work for her to overburden me with in the first place.  It was just the usual house chores, and the occasional trips to the shop. The problem was me! “Honestly, me sipendi kutumwa…😭😭.” I can say that now, and even tell my mom, who perfectly understands me to be of that nature, but imagine having a 12-year-old daughter who you can’t send anywhere without them whining and whingeing.


    It was torture for my mom, I imagine, having just one daughter and never getting to enjoy their company because they were angry at you most of the time. When I got to high school, our relationship should have become easier. I mean at that time, I could wake up and conduct all the necessary chores without my mom having to tell me. Unfortunately, our relationship was still shaky and we had no time to bond because of the sorry yet unavoidable fact that I was mostly at school.
    Also, now that I think about it, I am certain that while at school, I was kinda embarrassed of calling my mom because the “Nairobi kids” made the rest of us feel like calling and speaking to our parents in mother tongue was the most shameful act imaginable (Paleeeeeseeee!). So, being used to using kikuyu with my mother, our ‘Kiswahili phone calls’ were direct and straight to the point.


    Fast forward to when I finished high school and left home to stay with my aunt, whom I should respectfully call mother as well. Either way, mum or aunt, she is such a delight! One of my favourite persons actually. While I had the chance to bond with her, once again my mother and I had no chance. When I got to campus, our relationship started blooming. Suddenly, we didn’t argue as much when I got home from school. I understood that she had to “order” me around and I knew when I was wrong. Despite being stubborn, I tried to see life from her perspective. I knew that it was bad to say no, so even when she told me to do something and I hated it, I still did it. She had also grown to know me by then, so when she could tell I didn’t want to do something she had asked me to do and she was in a position to do it, she did it.


    During my second year in Campus I got pregnant. While the scared me thought it would break the newly found relationship with my mother even before it blossomed further, things took a turn for the better. My mother never once shouted at me, even though I know it was hard for her to explain to people why I was pregnant. Because believe me, they asked. Somehow, she knew that I had already “punished myself for my sins.” For me, her being able to understand me and stand by me when she had every reason not to was everything. Still, I did not want to burden her, so once Leroy was born, I did not leave him behind when going to school. This, my mother loved about me. It was like my stubbornness was finally a good thing 😊😊


    She would always call to ask how we were coping, and juggling with school. Even though I didn’t know it then (because to me it was what I was supposed to do), turns out I was killing it! By the time I was done with campus, my mom and I had an okay relationship. By okay, I mean, above average; definitely miles from where we started, but so far away from where we are now. I could say at the time, we were just acquainted 😂😂😂


    Our relationship then still had boundaries. For instance, I can now tell my mom I do not want to do something, or go somewhere. Then, I could not😂 She was more of my mother than she was my friend, and I was still partially afraid of her and she partially felt like she had to keep some distance between us to maintain the respect. From the year 2018, the year I moved out of my parents’ house, my relationship with my mother has just flourished!
    I think as I grow older, I resonate more with my mother because I grow to be more like her each day. As for her, she has grown to understand that I am different from her and accepted that. She understands that I do not have to do things exactly how she does them. And unlike before, she is welcome to learning new and unconventional ways of doing things. How did I even forget to mention this? One of the greatest reasons my mother and I disagreed was because of how I did “things”. The different ways in which I mopped the house, did laundry, and especially the way I cooked! My mother was not open to new ideas. I mean, in most cases she was right, but in some ways, I was right. But being a stubborn child, I wanted to do it my way, and she did not like hearing, “the end justifies the means.” 

    Remember when I said I was growing to be more like her every day? I am that controlling woman who wants things done her way now! *Sighs* Funny thing is, my mother is so open to seeing things from my perspective now – which I love!

    Oh yes, there is another major aspect which has greatly contributed to my “perfect” relationship with my mother — I don’t know how to defend myself. I am always the oppressed person who calls their mother whenever people and the world turn on them. I will always be silent then call my mother to report about all the evil things y’all do to me. So the next time we disagree and I jokingly tell you, “nitakusema kwa mamangu,” I’m not joking 🤣 Heck I even tell that to my Leroy— and actually report him by the way. Ooh, and yes, my mother calls me to talk to my dad on her behalf now.


    My mother has been admitted to the hospital twice now. It has been sad yes, but not without its advantages. First, she got better, and second, the time spent with her was exactly what our relationship needed to fully blossom to, “my ideal” relationship with her.
    We had enough intimate time, to just enjoy each other’s company. I could explain to her what I do, and am planning to do carefully such that she understood. I got her perspective in life properly, tapped in on her very spiritual self, and much more. For the first time, I can now be totally free with her. And she does not feel like she needs to be “my mother” for me to respect her. She knows the respect is there.  Ooh and the best part, we could gossip about y’all for hours😅
    No, maybe that’s not the best part, I think the best part is I can tell her, “aki mom usinitume saa hii,” or “na mom leo umenituma sana.” And maybe she can hit me back with, ” na bado utaenda nikikutuma tena.” And she’s always right, because despite being stubborn, I am not disobedient. And in light of our “perfect” relationship, I would never say no to that woman.

    Speaking of which, I just remembered that her birthday is in five days, so now I can tell her over our routine hour-long phone calls, that this is my gift to her😅

    ❤❤❤❤

    Nyambura Macharia

  • Don’t Ask this Question-When are you getting Pregnant?

    You know that famous phrase that says, “ Women are their own worst enemies?” That has to be one of the most relatable  phrases I have ever heard.  As a woman, I am very ashamed to admit that indeed as women we are our enemies and as such, our greatest hindrance to attaining the full potential of women empowerment.  You see, as women, we get jealous of our fellow women’s success. The worst part is that with women, we shame other women, and are even jealous of not just their career development,  but also marriage, family, and physical appearance.  Women are always against body shaming against women, yet as women, we are the worst body people to point fingers, gossip, and body shame our fellow women, even when are the ones who understand most, what they could be going through, and the stigma that comes with all the physical, health, fertility and other issues that come with being women.

    As such, I have a list of certain questions- I will handle separately- which I believe that no woman should ask the other if we want to help create a safe space for my woman to thrive and be themselves. While these questions are many, this article will focus on the main question I believe no woman should ask the other, about fertility, and birth.

    When are you getting pregnant?

    Women believe that since your age mates have children, or since you recently got married, you should get pregnant,  and fast. You will hear things like, “Give your mother-in-law a grandchild,” “If you  do not give your husband a child soon, he will leave you.” It baffles me that women do not realise just how offensive these questions are, especially when they are twisted and asked in their mother tongue. Women just do not understand that, while some women choose to wait to have a child, others try to have a child, but to no avail. Wait, or maybe women do understand this, I know they do, these are common cases among us women, maybe they just choose ignorance,  and to hurt other people’s feelings. So I always wonder, when people ask such questions, do they ever think, what if she were silently struggling with infertility, do you imagine the psychological turmoil these women go through when you keep reminding them of the battles they choose to fight behind closed doors?

    As if this was not enough, there is also a group of other women who ask questions llike, “your baby is big enough, when are you giving him a sister or brother?  Such questions bother me, like why do you feel you should ask that? Why should we all not just let different women make their personal decisions alone? Last month during my birthday, I posted a few pictures and I remember a lady replied to my status saying, “you have already slain enough, you should get a second-born now.” My God, the audacity.  You know, I simply deleted the text and never replied, lest I give a rude response. It is just bad.

    Pregnancy is a blessing, but pregnancy is not the same for everyone.  To some women, the first pregnancy is so traumatising, they the thought of a second pregnancy triggers thus trauma and anxiety. Other women develop medical issues after the first pregnancy that hinder them from carrying another pregnancy at all, or result in a series of miscarriages with any subsequent pregnancies.

    Now imagine  constantly  asking such a woman-who is already silently suffering, and maybe even depressed because they cannot bear a child again- “Why don’t  you have a second born or third born yet?”

    And you know, some women just want to be both psychologically and financially stable before getting a first baby, or another baby. And there is absolutely no timeline, people want different things, during different times, and it should be accepted.

    The topic of pregnancy and childbirth is a very delicate and sensitive one that I believe we should not just ask others. Let them be the ones to initiate the conversation or ask for your opinion. Let us be gentle with each other, and promote women empowerment  by giving women the freedom to make their personalised decisions without  judgement.

    You know that famous phrase that says, “ Women are their own worst enemies?” That has to be one of the most relatable  phrases I have ever heard.  As a woman I am very ashamed to admit that indeed as women we are our own enemies and as such, our greatest hindrance to attaining  the full potential of women empowerment.  You see, as women, we get jealous of our fellow women’s success. The worst part is that with women, we shame other women, and are even jealous of not just their career development,  but also marriage, family, and physical  appearance.  Women are always against body shaming against women, yet as women, we are the worst body people to point fingers, gossip, and body shame our fellow women, even when are the ones who understand most, what they could be going through, and  the stigma  that comes with all the physical, health, fertility and other issues that come with being women.

    As such, I have a list of certain questions- I will handle separately- which I believe  that no woman should ask the other,  if we really want to help create a safe space  for every  woman to thrive and be themselves. While these Questions are many, this article will focus on the main question I believe  no woman should ask the other, in relation  to fertility, and birth.

    When are you getting pregnant?

    Women believe  that since your age mates have children, or since you recently got married, you should get pregnant,  and  fast. You will here things like, “Give your mother-in-law a grandchild,” “If you  do not give your husband a child soon, he will leave you.” It baffles  me that women do not realise just how offensive  these questions are, especially  when they are twisted  and asked in mother tongue. Women just do not understand that, while some women choose to wait to have a child, others actually  try to have a child, but to no avail. Wait, or maybe women do understand  this, I know they do, these are common cases among us women, maybe they just choose ignorance,  and to hurt other people’s  feelings. So I always wonder, when people ask such questions, do they ever think, what if she were  silently struggling  with infertility, do you imagine the psychological  turmoil these women go through  when you keep reminding  them of the battles they choose to fight behind closed doors?

    If this is not enough, there is also a group of other women who ask questions like, “your baby is big enough, when are you giving him a sister or brother?  Such questions really  bother me, like why do you feel you should ask that? Why should we all not just let different  women make their personal decisions alone. Last month during my birthday, I posted a few pictures and I remember a lady replied to my status saying , “you have already slayed enough, you should get a second born now.” My God, the audacity.  You know, I simply deleted the text and never replied, lest I give a rude response. It is just bad.

    Pregnancy is a blessing, but pregnancy  is not the same for everyone.  To some women, the first pregnancy  is so traumatising, they the thought of a second pregnancy triggers  thus trauma and anxiety. Other women develop  medical issues after the first pregnancy that hinder them from carrying another pregnancy at all, or result in a series of miscarriages  with any subsequent pregnancies.

    Now imagine  constantly  asking such a woman-who is already silently suffering, and maybe even depressed because they cannot bear a child again- “Why don’t  you have a second born or third born yet?”

    And you know, some women  just want to be both psychologically and financially  stable before getting a first baby, or a another baby. And there is absolutely no timeline, people want different things, during different  times, and it should be accepted.

    The topic of pregnancy  and child birth is a very delicate  and sensitive one that I believe we should not just ask others. Let them be the ones to initiate the conversation   or ask for your opinion. Let us be gentle with each other, and promote women empowerment  by giving women the freedom to make their personalised decisions without  judgement.

    negative pregnancy test. sad woman on background