Life After My Dearest Mother
Posted in2026 Grief Me

Life After My Dearest Mother

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I have been trying to write this piece for the past two weeks—well, months—since I last wrote A Tribute to My Dearest Mother, because the fact that there is life after my mother is still something my mind fails to comprehend.

A few weeks ago, for the first time since she passed, I dreamt with, and I felt, maybe it was time for me to resume writing, but still, I stopped this article in the very second sentence. My stomach is still in the tightest knot as I write this—and one that tightens even more with every thought and word that I add on.

 So, here goes nothing….

Life after my mother has been the rudest awakening. I have never felt so alone, yet so supported at the same time. And paradoxically, I have never wanted to be isolated and surrounded by people as much as I have over the past five months. I am literally the shell of an extremely sad soul trapped in a joyous person.

The saddest and somehow most consoling thing is that life goes on. I hate it, and I love it in equal measure. I love being busy, I love worrying about life, about finances, work, children, heck, I even love heartaches. I generally enjoy any other pain that deviates me from the pain and anguish that I experience every time I remember my mother is no more.

But, despite all these feelings, life is indeed going on. Christmas came and went, and the new year, the first in her absence, came, and I will never forget just how broken I was knowing that this was it, it was a new year, and that meant, slowly, she was indeed becoming history because the chronological order of life goes on like clockwork.

I must admit that I have been struggling with expressing myself, which is one of the reasons sometimes, alienation seems the most befitting reaction. I’m scared that I will become the person who solely talks about their late mother. I have no problem with that, but I am scared that if I do, the emotions might always consume me, and that means I would not be able to otherwise live a fulfilling life, whatever that is. So, I am trying to find the perfect balance. One where even when I talk about her, it’s not in a somber manner that makes people, especially myself, feel guilty for being alive. I don’t know how I will get there, but I am certain I will, and I know this because I was fond of talking about her even in her existence—so why should I stop?

Anyway….

Life is actually truly getting better. I am taking more pictures now—and recently even posting them. I am going to church and learning the rosary, I can recount a funny experience with her without crying, and despite being generally sad, I am functional. I have discovered that the only way to live a “normal” life is to “forget” because every time I remember the pain not only engulfs, but it literally consumes my soul.  

I must say that, having experienced this, I realize now that I never showed enough compassion to the people I knew who lost their loved ones. Because, as much as I would say sorry, I just didn’t fathom what they were going through. The emotional turmoil, the anguish, confusion, regret, and the literal physical pain that come with losing a loved one. . So, really, my apologies never had the emotional depth that they should have had.

So maybe it is true that every cloud has a silver lining, because as heavy as this one was and still is, it has expanded my heart to a degree that could only have been possible through experience. Because now I am able to offer love, empathy, and compassion to anyone going through a similar experience in a manner that isn’t just surface-level. I cannot simply say I’m sorry for what you’re going through or offer my condolences out of protocol. I say it with meaning and depth. Hoping, but also knowing that my sorry will just hold fort until the person can break down in private.

It has also expanded my ability to listen, to allow a grieving person to simply ramble on about their loved one. Because having been there, I would never think anyone is reiterating themselves too much, I understand now that they might be the only thing keeping them sane. And it is also one of the best ways to remind your heart that, despite your loved one having passed on, they were real, they were dear to you, and you can continue loving them even in their absence by holding on to their memories. Because sadly for all of us—and I say this with a heavy heart—life goes on, and it must.  

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

❤️❤️❤️

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