The Contemporary Woman

Tag: Motherhood

  • Are you a Single Mother or a Single Woman?

    Are you a Single Mother or a Single Woman?

    Yes, there is a difference

    Today, there are so many new words, terminologies and ways for people to define themselves especially in regards to their sexuality. It’s so hard to keep up and you can find yourself in trouble for using the wrong label on a person. Similarly, many relationships do not seem to last these days, divorce is at an all-time high. This means that the dynamics of relationships and homes have significantly changed. A perfect example is the rise of situationships even in marriages where many couples find themselves living as mere “roommates,” and even the “throuple” marriages. everything is confusing with so many burred lines.

    This raises the question to many women, are you a single mother or a single woman? Because with the vast change in dynamics, it is easy to confuse and mislabel the two.

    A single mother generally means a woman who raises her child(ren) alone. So yes, there are women who are married but are single mothers. It is worse for these mothers because they have an additional child in their husbands. The situation is even worse for married single mothers whose husbands are alcoholics and drug addicts who steal from them and even physically abuse them as it adds to their burden. Most of these women are mostly in rural areas where the idea of marriage is over-glorified. This means that even when a woman leaves an abusive marriage, they are considered a failure because “it is the woman who builds her home. “

    But there is good news, there are modern women who are single mothers by choice. The dynamics of the world today mean that women have more freedom, and more options. So, some women choose not to engage in relationships or marriage seeing that they are so fickle today—and instead, they choose to be mothers.

    So, who is a single woman?

    A single woman is a woman who is not married or not in a relationship. This means that even when a woman is single and is also a mother, but co-parents with their children’s father, they cannot consider themselves single mothers. The aspect of being a single mother only comes into play in the context of parenting alone. But when a father is actively present in the lives of his children, then a woman cannot consider herself a single mother because they do not go through the parent’s emotional and financial burden of doing everything alone.

    So, what is the take away?

    A single mother is not to be confused with a single woman or vice versa. And better yet, there are married single mothers and there are single women with children.  

  • 10 Things Mothers Really Want for Mother’s Day: Celebrating the Unconditional Love

    10 Things Mothers Really Want for Mother’s Day: Celebrating the Unconditional Love

    Mother’s Day is a special occasion that allows us to express our gratitude and appreciation for the incredible women in our lives. It’s a time to celebrate the unconditional love that mothers provide, and to recognize their immeasurable contributions to our well-being. On this day, it’s important to go beyond the typical flowers and chocolates and truly understand what mothers truly want. In this article, we will explore ten things that mothers really want for Mother’s Day, highlighting the significance of their unconditional love. Every year on Mother’s Day, there is the old tale of, mothers should be celebrated every day and so Mother’s Day is not that special. Please, let’s leave that mindset in Mother’s Day 2022 and before. As from this Mother’s Day, let’s take the opportunity to go beyond the ordinary and make mothers feel genuinely appreciated because even the smallest of gestures would suffice. As a mother of two now, I believe that I have garnered ample suffering and expertise in motherhood and set my roots enough to confidently outline 10 things I believe mothers really want o Mother’s Day -Of course I consulted other mothers too.   

    The Unconditional Love of Mothers

    A Mother’s Love Knows No Bounds

    A mother’s love is unlike any other. It knows no bounds and is characterized by its depth, selflessness, and unwavering nature. From the moment a child is born, a mother’s love becomes the guiding force in their lives. It is a love that transcends all obstacles and challenges, providing a sense of security and comfort.

    Sacrifices and Selflessness

    Mothers make countless sacrifices for their children. They put their needs and desires aside to prioritize the well-being and happiness of their families. Whether it’s staying up all night to comfort a sick child or working multiple jobs to provide for their family, mothers exemplify selflessness in its truest form.

    Unwavering Support and Encouragement

    Mothers are the ultimate cheerleaders. They provide unwavering support and encouragement, pushing their children to reach their full potential. Whether it’s attending every soccer game, recital, or school play, mothers are there, cheering on their children and providing a sense of comfort and motivation.

    10 Things Mothers Really Want for Mother’s Day

    Quality Time Together

    One of the most precious gifts a mother can receive is quality time spent with her loved ones. In our fast-paced lives, it’s easy to get caught up in daily routines and forget to pause and truly connect. This Mother’s Day, make it a point to spend uninterrupted time with your mother, engaging in meaningful conversations and creating lasting memories.

    A Break from Responsibilities

    Mothers are constantly juggling multiple responsibilities, from managing the household to taking care of their children’s needs. On Mother’s Day, give your mother a break from her daily duties. Take over the chores, cook her favorite meal, and allow her to relax and rejuvenate.

    Thoughtful Gestures and Acts of Kindness

    Small gestures of kindness can go a long way in making a mother feel cherished and loved. Surprise her with breakfast in bed, write her a heartfelt letter, or simply give her a warm hug. These simple acts of kindness will make her feel appreciated and valued.

    Words of Appreciation and Gratitude

    Expressing your appreciation and gratitude is a powerful way to make your mother feel loved on Mother’s Day. Take the time to tell her how much she means to you and how grateful you are for everything she has done. Let your words come from the heart and make her understand the profound impact she has had on your life.

    Pampering and Self-Care

    Mothers often put their own needs on hold to prioritize their families. This Mother’s Day, pamper your mother and encourage her to indulge in some much-needed self-care. Arrange a spa day, book a massage or facial, or create a relaxing environment at home where she can unwind and rejuvenate.

    Meaningful Gifts with Sentimental Value

    While material gifts can be a thoughtful gesture, what truly matters to mothers are gifts with sentimental value. Consider something that holds a special meaning or represents a cherished memory. It could be a piece of jewelry, a personalized photo album, or a handwritten journal filled with memories and heartfelt messages.

    Surprises and Delightful Moments

    Create delightful surprises for your mother throughout the day. It could be a surprise visit from a family member or friend she hasn’t seen in a while, a beautifully arranged bouquet of her favorite flowers, or tickets to a show or concert she has been wanting to attend. These unexpected moments of joy will make her day even more special.

    Creating Lasting Memories

    Mother’s Day is an opportunity to create lasting memories with your mother. Plan a day filled with activities she enjoys, such as going for a picnic, taking a nature walk, or cooking a meal together. Capture these moments through photographs or videos, ensuring that the memories will be cherished for years to come.

    Recognition and Validation

    Mothers often underestimate the impact they have on their families. Take the time to recognize and validate their efforts. Acknowledge their achievements, strengths, and the positive influence they have had on your life. Let them know that their love and dedication have not gone unnoticed.

    Unconditional Love and Support

    Above all, what mothers truly want is to feel loved, supported, and appreciated unconditionally. Show your mother that she is valued for who she is, not just for what she does. Remind her that your love is unwavering and that you are grateful for the immeasurable love she gives without expecting anything in return.

    Bonus Tip

    Mothers are selfless kind and understanding, eve the smallest of gestures goes a long way. Above all, remember that showing her love and appreciation in her love language is King.

    Conclusion

    Mother’s Day is a special occasion to celebrate the unconditional love and selflessness of mothers. It’s an opportunity to go beyond traditional gifts and truly understand what mothers really want. By spending quality time together, expressing appreciation, pampering them, and creating lasting memories, we can make Mother’s Day a truly memorable and meaningful experience for the incredible women in our lives.

    RELATED POSTS: Happy Mother’s Day to the Contemporary Woman! Happy Birthday to Me

    The Untold Thorny Matrix of Motherhood

    FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)

    Q1: Why is it important to recognize and validate a mother’s efforts?

    Recognizing and validating a mother’s efforts acknowledges her sacrifices and challenges, boosts her self-esteem, strengthens the bond between mother and child, and provides the emotional support she needs.

    Q2: How can I show my appreciation and validate my mother’s efforts?

    You can show your appreciation and validate your mother’s efforts by expressing gratitude, acknowledging her achievements, and demonstrating your love and support through words and actions.

    Q3: What are some ways to validate a mother’s efforts on Mother’s Day?

    You can validate a mother’s efforts on Mother’s Day by spending quality time together, expressing your gratitude and appreciation, and acknowledging her unconditional love and sacrifices.

    Q4: How does validation impact a mother’s well-being?

    Validation boosts a mother’s self-esteem, provides emotional support, and reminds her that her efforts are valued and appreciated. It can have a positive impact on her overall well-being and happiness.

    Q5: Why is it important to strengthen the bond between a mother and her children?

    Strengthening the bond between a mother and her children fosters open communication, trust, and understanding. It creates a sense of connection and deepens the emotional relationship between them.

  • How Old were You When You When You got Your First Periods? (The Menstrual Month of May)

    How Old were You When You When You got Your First Periods? (The Menstrual Month of May)

    The Merry Merry month of May has finally come to an end and I hate to break it to you, but having entered June, we are at mid-year and officially headed towards the second half of the year. Shocking I know, I cannot believe it either. Now back to May, my favorite month if I haven’t made it obvious enough. Apart from being my birthday month and the month the world celebrates mothers, there are actually more reasons to love May. In fact, how about we just call it the month of women. Because it is also in May that we have the Global Menstrual Health Day on 28th May. I don’t know about you, but to me, this basically makes it the World’s Menstrual Health Awareness Month.

    Sometime back, probably towards the end of April I saw a post on a Facebook group “Newborns and Beyond,” where mothers, (Established Mothers) were discussing their experiences with their daughters starting their menstruation. Most of these mothers were hoping and praying that their daughters’ periods do not start until they were out of primary school. So that is until they were around 12 years. But, based on their experience, most of their daughters had had their first periods when they were as early as 8 years old!

    To be honest, I was in utter bewilderment! I mean, isn’t an 8-year-old a child anymore? I mean, my Leroy is turning 7 this year and I still consider him a child. Yet, it means that if he were a girl, he probably would be getting his periods next year. WTH! The magnitude of the situation heightens when I remember I got my first my periods when I was 12, and back then, I was considered a rather early maturer. And this was actually the case because most of my friends, who were older than me by a year or two were just having their first periods, while some had not. Still, based on what these ladies were hoping for, I consider my mother lucky because my periods came just when I was about to sit for my KCPE, (27th October 2008. How do I remember the actual date? Beats me too 😂). So, technically, I was already done with primary school.

    Sanitary Pads

    Now that their daughters were getting their periods when they were literally ‘babies,’ what these mothers were mostly concerned about was how they were going to educate their girls on how to deal with periods, what were they, and especially period hygiene, seeing that they were so young. Now this made me think, my mother never taught me any of that. Not that she was a bad mother, but it was just a rather difficult topic to address. And neither was it the norm for mothers to have that talk with their daughters, I mean, I’m certain she never had the talk with her mother either.  In fact, most of my friends who had the courage or any information about the topic while in primary school, apart from what we had learnt in reproduction, were much older and had older sisters. For the rest of us, when we were in class 8, ‘Always’ was still new in the market and in the quest to advertise their products and of course engage in CSR had come to our school, given us a short lesson on how to use their sanitary pads and given us a packet each. Of course, I gave it to my mother for safe keeping. Or was it to hide such that my brother never came across it. Yes, those were the times there was so much shame and embarrassment in menstruation and menstrual products.

    Fast forward to 2022, and I must say I am loving the progress we have made on menstrual health. This May especially, I was awed by the number of organizations, influential persons and the average persons who engaged in activities to spread word on Menstrual Health. The amazing Janet Mbugua even started a podcast, “My First Time Stories” which gives women a space to share their first period experience in a quest to end the stigma on menstruation and spread awareness on the same. While I may not have been able to do much, maybe the least I could do is acknowledge and thank every woman who took part in spreading awareness in menstruation or helping out a girl in need. Creating change doesn’t have to be huge. You can always start by helping your neighbor, a girl in need and while it might just be one person, it has impact. And it creates a ripple effect where women go on helping others and that way we will slowly transform into a fully empowered nation and world in matters regarding menstrual health. And the beauty (and disadvantage) of menstruation is that it never ends, whichever the season, or whatever fire the world is in. Women within the reproductive age still get their periods. Thus, it is never late to help a girl who needs it and make an impact. Also, I feel that with the continuous education, Contemporary Mothers will be empowered enough to have both the knowledge and confidence of having these conversations with their young girls. And for those unfortunate girls who might not have mothers or sisters to hold their hands in the journey, there will be multiple platforms where they can access the information such that they too are not alone.

    ❤❤❤❤

    Nyambura Macharia

  • The Untold Thorny Matrix of Motherhood

    The Untold Thorny Matrix of Motherhood

    As a mother of one, sometimes I wonder, how a mother divides their love wholesomely among their several children. Like, when I get another baby, will I feel the same way I feel towards my Leroy, or will it be different? How will I be able to still love Leroy–like I do–and still love another baby the same? Now, this might appear lame to some of you, but it really is a legit question, and not all mothers are able to perfectly distribute their love to their children. I mean I have heard bitter people complain that their parents openly favored some of their siblings. But still, I know of many people who cherish and praise their parents for loving them and their siblings equally– but differently depending on their various personalities, needs and wants.

    Still, this remains a fear of mine, what if in future, I cannot be the best mother to all-considering I am still learning on motherhood. However, like I wrote on Mother’s Day, Leroy calling me “good mother”, is really quite reassuring. Still on that post, (I guess we can call this its continuation) I had several people replying and acknowledging the fact that I remembered that toxic mothers do exist. I mean, how could I not. As much as most people adore their mothers and gush over how loving they were, and still are, there are some people who cringe at the sound and thought of their mothers, literally!

    I remember back in primary school; I had a classmate who shuddered at the thought of her mother. I mean, she was completely petrified by her. She never carried her homework home, most of the times, but chose to finish it in school because when she got home, being the first born, she had to help her mother. She was a single mother, and being the first born, the girl, let’s call her-June- was undoubtedly the assistant mother. She was completely responsible for her siblings whenever her mother was not around which some months was a lot, seeing that her mother often worked nightshifts. I remember one specific day where she came to school looing quite worn-out. I mostly got to school early, so on that specific day, I could tell she arrived earlier than usual. I did not even have to ask, she told me that the previous night, she slept outside, with no supper, as her mother’s punishment for getting home late. Now even I was scared of her mother. And to this day, I can perfectly remember how that seemed liked the worst punishment I could ever receive as child. Every time I offended my mother, which I tried not to, I had this deep fear that literally gave me anxiety at the thought that she would give me the same punishment.

    Toxic Mother

    Needless to say, that was my first encounter with the idea that mothers could be cruel. Of course I grew up and learnt that there were many of such mothers, and worse. There are mothers who are physically abusive to their children, those that are psychologically abusive or both. I find it extremely sad and disheartening that some of these mothers believe that is how motherhood should be. That to be a great mother, you need to be tough and harsh, and violent lest your children stray–the typical “African mother.” And while they may mean well, it just isn’t right and doesn’t make it any less abusive. And sometimes, it becomes too excessive to be considered anything other than toxic. Sadly, like in the case of my friend, it was just a bitter single mother projecting her stress and frustrations on her child-Knowingly or unknowingly.

    Then on the onset of the rise of the Contemporary empowered woman, came the dawn of absentee mothers. Now, given that I represent the voice of the contemporary woman, and a woman who believes that women should never have to choose between career and family; a woman who has addressed mom-guilt before and still insisted that it is okay and there is absolutely no shame in getting help to raise your child, yes, I dare say that there are absentee mothers.

    You see, there is a thin line between being a working, busy mother, and a negligent mother who is even barely one. Now now, here me out before casting your stones. There are the contemporary mothers who do not want to experience any inconvenience, nor do they want to change their lives in the slightest bit to accommodate their children. These are the mothers– and I know some of my readers might hate me for this– who take their children to live with their grandmothers and only go to see them once per year, on Christmas. Now I am not too ignorant as to not understand that there are situations and circumstances that force some mothers to do this, but there are those that do not even try. In fact, they send their kids there to escape from the responsibility.  These are the ones who never call to talk to their children, never send upkeep money, buy them something nice, go and spend a few days or even have them over for even a week when schools close. These are the mothers who make it their job to deny, and even hide that they are mothers to their city folks. The worst part is that, because of this, even while their circumstances may not be suitable for them to live with their kids, they do not even attempt to fix the situation, because they see no future living with their children.

    Now here comes the most controversial part about this writing, and motherhood in general–women who choose not to be mothers. The era of toxic mothers, combined with the rise of absentee mothers, and the women empowerment has seen many women re-evaluate their choice, to be mothers. In fact, there have been several celebrities who have come out and clearly stated that they do not wish to get children. What I do not understand is why these women, despite representing the voice of many received so much criticism. Some of the reasons these women, and the many I have heard with the same opinion cite for their choice is; they wish to focus on their careers, or they feel motherhood is not for them-because they do not want to be responsible for children, or because they do not want to be tied down. I mean, aren’t these very logical and valid reasons to choose not to be a mother? Let us not pretend like motherhood is not a ‘job’ on its own. Like some women do not become mothers and regret it their entire lives, because if we are being honest, most absentee mothers never wanted to be mothers or weren’t ready to be.  

    Thorny Motherhood

    I am a mother yes, but if any woman chooses not to be a mother, I would absolutely support them. In fact, I love the fact that the contemporary woman is so empowered that they know that their value in the society is not limited to their being mothers. I love that the contemporary woman knows that they can get the uttermost satisfaction not just from motherhood, but also from fulfilling careers. But above all, I love that some women are ready to break generational traumas by choosing not to be mothers, rather than being terrible mothers and scaring a whole other generation.

    ❤❤❤❤

    Nyambura Macharia

  • Happy Mother’s Day to the Contemporary Woman! Happy Birthday to Me 😊

    Happy Mother’s Day to the Contemporary Woman! Happy Birthday to Me 😊

    Today, 8th May 2022, is both my birthday and Mother’s Day. Am I excited? I don’t know. I mean I like the idea–I always loved my birthdays– but looking forward to the day, not so much, or maybe differently. I just know that it should be my day. I’m just not sure how I should spend it. Wait, maybe I am, it’s just that it does not conform to the typical birthday celebrations.

    Enough of my birthday, we have an even bigger holiday today, Mother’s Day. I have heard men complain that women ask for many “holidays” in the year starting with Valentine’s Day, Women’s Day, now Mother’s Day, International Day of the Girl Child, ooh and there is another I recently discovered/ learnt about, Girlfriend’s Day”. However, despite all the complains, there is one of these days that they seem to agree deserves to be celebrated, and that is today–Mother’s Day.

    I mean, I see people men allow for all other jokes except any that touches even an inch of their mother. I mean, the other day, I saw my brother post, “If I didn’t know God, my mother would be God.”

    And well, not to put this out there but once–along time ago when we still were evolving–my brothers roughed up a woman who messed around with our mother. Again, not to put it out there 😂. But you know what, I still remember some woman ask, “How do you joke with a woman with grown sons.” My point? we all agree that mothers deserve our uttermost respect!

    We all love our mothers; I know this might not be completely true to everyone because there are toxic mothers out there. But from what I know, the people who do not have supportive mothers or those brought up by toxic mothers have mother issues. Because it comes naturally to all of us that we should crave a mother’s love. With this in mind, I really sympathize with such persons, and send hugs not just to them, but to those who lost their mothers young. I wish I could tell you that I understand what you are going through, but that would be insensitive of me. So instead, I wish to tell you that I am proud of you for surviving thus far. 😊❤

    Mothers are Amazing, I have heard y’all gushing over your mothers calling them queens, your pillars and what not with so much passion. Luckily, we pick up so much from them, knowingly or unknowingly. In fact, I know, as a mother, as fake of a mother as I may be–because I really don’t know if I really embody a mother as motherly as my mother–That woman is the real deal. Most of our mothers are, and they’ve been, since day one. It’s just that, we are just now realizing it as we grow older. It gets deeper when we are trying to be mothers ourselves and realize that we aren’t even close to being half of the mothers who raised us.

    Which is why, for this Mother’s Day, I want to celebrate myself–and every other “startup” mother out there–The Contemporary Mother. Mothers who constantly question our abilities as mothers. We who do not know whether we are doing the right thing, leave alone doing enough as mothers. We who feel undeserving of the title. I mean sometimes I wonder you know how we always say that a man can be a father and not a dad. What if it’s possible to just birth a child and never be motherly enough to them? Maybe I am just overthinking, but I feel that is a thing. Either way, while we, “start up” mothers might not be as established as our mothers, and their mothers, I know we try. I mean I know I do, and I know several queens who do too. We might juggle between school, work and our motherly duties, and even just wing it with the “being a mother” but someone told me that that is what makes us mothers. It doesn’t matter whether you receive help. You are doing Good.

    And you know what, the other day my Leroy called me, “Good mother” after I bought him something. You know, like I tell him, “Good boy” 😅 I don’t know about you, but, that’s pretty reassuring. 😊😊

    Now let’s go back to just how much my mother is the best because at 7:35 a.m. (as I am writing this piece), I had already received a “Happy Birthday” text. She said “sikua nataka deni ya birthday” Oh how she knows me too well. 🤗🤗

    Birthday Mama ❤

    Speaking of which, you know how I said I know how to spend my birthday its just that it doesn’t conform to the typical birthday celebrations? I just want to rest man! Best, Stuffing my face with cake 🙂. The perfect Mother’s Day and Birthday merge.

    Happy Mother’s Day To all mothers; yours, mine, you and me!

    ❤❤❤❤

    Nyambura Macharia

  • Is Eating the Placenta the Solution to Postnatal Healing?

    Is Eating the Placenta the Solution to Postnatal Healing?

      Placenta Pills

      There is this you tube couple I have been following for the past one year—Riss & Quan. They have become quite famous, am sure most of my ladies know them. I have specified on the ladies because the main reason I watch them is because of how the guy treats his woman in an almost “dreamy” way (acted or not 🤭😝)— I know y’all ladies can relate. Around two weeks ago, the couple were blessed with a son, and while I was following Rissa’s Instagram Stories, I found quite a long one describing the process of “Placenta Encapsulation.” After watching the video, with a totally disgusted and cringed face, I decided to embark on my own research on the issue.

      First, I conducted an Instagram survey where I asked my followers whether you knew that some women choose to eat their placentas. 62%—including myself—said no, while 38% said Yes. I have to be honest, 38% is quite a large percentage considering I did not know, and neither did I have a clue of such a thing. Fascinated by the results, I embarked on an even deeper research. Why eat the placenta? Does it really have enough benefits to over look the baffling and disgusting idea that it is literally cannibalism?—too harsh of a word? I’m just calling a spade for what it is. Anyway, I believe in cultural relativism so let us keep an open mind people.

      Most non-human mammals eat their placentas after childbirth, but most of us humans do not. However, there are some cultures which have consumed the placenta in the past as a form of traditional medicine. Among the Chinese people, the placenta was consumed by elderly people as a form of non-conventional medicine to treat liver and kidney complications. Among Indians, the placenta was eaten by childless women for they believed it helped with fertility (Out of mere curiosity, I would love to know if that worked). However, over the past decade, the consumption of placentas by the mother after giving birth has been extremely popularised. More and more mothers are choosing to consume their placentas for quite a number of reasons. Those who have the strength and guts simply consume it by blending it into an “after-birth smoothie”. However, for the many new moms and doulas who prefer to consume the placenta in a more, “civilized” way, there is, “Placenta encapsulation.”

      What is Placenta encapsulation you ask? It is a “bourgee” process where the placenta is cooked and turned into a powder form and put into capsule pills for easier ingestion. The placenta pills are “bourgee” because the mother gets to choose the flavours such as strawberry, vanilla, or pineapple. The entire process is also not cheap as it can cost up to $500 in the U.S. Many mothers who consume their placental capsules claim they feel much better after consuming the tablets but could it just be a placebo effect? Because there are other women who claim to feel sick after taking the pills, while others feel nothing.

      The supposed benefits I got from the internet are:

      • Improved mood and energy levels to the mother-reducing chances of Postpartum Depression
      • Increased milk production for healthy baby
      • Pain Relief
      • Prevents anaemia
      • Enhanced bonding between the mother and the baby
      • And reduction of postpartum bleeding
      • Boosting both the mother and baby’s immune system

      Apart from the many alleged benefits, eating the placenta posses various risks both to the mother and the baby.

      • It maybe contaminated with harmful bacteria that may affect both the mother and the child.
      • There is not scientific evidence to support the safety and benefits of its consumption.
      • It may not be handled with “food-safe” practices either when being eaten as a smoothie or during placental encapsulation which might pose risks after consumption.

      Despite there being no scientific evidence to prove the benefits of eating the placenta, the trend of placenta encapsulation is here and many women in the western countries are really embracing the idea. In the spirit of keeping an open-mind I cannot help but wonder, is placenta the “magic” non-conventional treatment that is going to help women make postnatal healing bearable?

      Because if all these benefits are really true, I think the African contemporary woman should take a leap of faith here and embrace the trend because, in “childbirth is rosy but roses have thorns too,” we all agreed on just how excruciating the recovery process is.

      So, could eating the placenta the solution? Ladies are we boarding?🤔 should we hop on the “after birth smoothie,” or the “placental capsules,” train?

      ❤❤❤❤

      Nyambura Macharia

    • Childbirth is Rosy, but Roses have Thorns too ;(

      Childbirth is Rosy, but Roses have Thorns too ;(

      Can we talk about how social media is portraying childbirth to be so easy and rosy?

      I don’t understand why vloggers and influencers are working so hard to show how, easy, fast, and painless their childbirth was. I’m like come on, I thought that was the only thing we agreed as women? Just how devastating and excruciating childbirth can get. If anything, I think they should exaggerate on how terrible it is. I mean, women lose their lives in labor!

      When I had Leroy, I was completely clueless about childbirth or children. I remember going to the hospital thinking, Thank God, it’s now over. After the baby is born, my life will immediately go back to normal. But no, that wasn’t the case at all—In fact, very far from it. I do not want to address labor pains because we have all been told how painful it is, and that we are all prepared for. What no one tells is what happens after the baby is born. Because the legend goes that, as soon as the baby is born, the pain magically disappears—very cute of a story.

      But what exactly happens? After the baby was born, there is that shivering that nobody tells us about, and the acute hunger, and general body weakness. But that’s not what I want to address either. My intention is to address the healing process after leaving the hospital—that I didn’t know existed. I really thought after the baby was born that was it. Woe unto me because, Wueh! Those were some tough days.

      The first day the pain was tolerable, my body was numb, I guess, because that seems like the only logical explanation. Then came the second day and I try to wake up and I seriously cannot. I felt like I had been in a road accident and every bone on my body was broken—no exaggeration. But I would struggle and use all the energy I had to literally pick myself up. It was an entire process stages that had a literal chronological order. First, pick my head, then the upper part of my body and sit. Then twist my legs to the edge of the bed then slooooowly get up with my hands getting support from the bed.

      Once I was up, now getting back on the bed was a problem because sitting down was another huge task. Again, I had to sit very slowly clenching your entire body and supporting your hands on the bed so you can feel as little pain as possible (which is still a lot)

      Let me not get started on the constipation because what the hell was that?!

      And then there is the famous, “you have to sit on hot salty water for your stitches to heal faster.” Do you have any idea how painful that is? When even bending is a problem? And doctors just tell you to do it like it is the easiest thing. Like, give me a heads up Doc! What about the denial and depression that comes crawling? The self-loathing? Because I thought I was crazy when my stomach turned pitch black and I was not sure whether it happens to everyone else, or if it would ever resume its typical color.

      And lest I forget the mother of them all, breastfeeding! You know the first few days, cracked and scaly nipples, sometimes oozing blood instead of milk. But you are a mother now, you must endure to feed your baby. Because if you don’t, that little creature will scream and almost drive you insane, as if you already aren’t.

      You know because of all this some women get postpartum depression so bad that they get suicidal, hate their babies, and even try to harm and or kill them?

      So no, you can’t get a baby and continue with life like nothing happened. I bet those influencers sleep the whole day and just “lift” themselves up to take pictures or a video for 20 minutes. I don’t blame them, that is their work, that is how they earn their living. But trying to make the rest of us feel like only we are exaggerating and theirs was easier, that I disagree.

      Worse is the peer pressure to normalize bouncing back after childbirth. I mean, naturally,the belly takes time to shrink back, and it should be that way. Why would you expect a belly that grew in a span of 9 months to shrink in a week? That is just unrealistic and honestlyubderrrates the whole idea of pregnancy and life bearing. Honestly, why not depict pregnancy and childbirth as candidly as possible?

      So you see such posts, about how childbirth is all rosy, do not believe them. Roses have thorns, and they really sting! But that is the prize you must pay to enjoy the “Rose”

      You know to date, when people ask that nosy and wrong question of why haven’t you got another baby yet, Leroy is old enough now. My answer is always—bado sijai pona, 😂😂😂😂

      Yes, I have never healed.

      ❤❤❤❤

      Nyambura Macharia

    • I am My Mother’s Daughter

      I am My Mother’s Daughter

      I have a confession. It has literally taken me 25 years to have the best relationship with my mother! I grew up as an only daughter and sister to three brothers. Being the only daughter, you would expect me to have a rosy relationship with my mother, right? Even I expected the same honestly, but it was very much the opposite.
      Growing up my relationship with my mother was always shaky. We could never last two days without an argument. I remember one time I threatened to report her to the police for child labour 😂😂😂. Okay, it was not that my mother overworked me. In fact, there was not enough work for her to overburden me with in the first place.  It was just the usual house chores, and the occasional trips to the shop. The problem was me! “Honestly, me sipendi kutumwa…😭😭.” I can say that now, and even tell my mom, who perfectly understands me to be of that nature, but imagine having a 12-year-old daughter who you can’t send anywhere without them whining and whingeing.


      It was torture for my mom, I imagine, having just one daughter and never getting to enjoy their company because they were angry at you most of the time. When I got to high school, our relationship should have become easier. I mean at that time, I could wake up and conduct all the necessary chores without my mom having to tell me. Unfortunately, our relationship was still shaky and we had no time to bond because of the sorry yet unavoidable fact that I was mostly at school.
      Also, now that I think about it, I am certain that while at school, I was kinda embarrassed of calling my mom because the “Nairobi kids” made the rest of us feel like calling and speaking to our parents in mother tongue was the most shameful act imaginable (Paleeeeeseeee!). So, being used to using kikuyu with my mother, our ‘Kiswahili phone calls’ were direct and straight to the point.


      Fast forward to when I finished high school and left home to stay with my aunt, whom I should respectfully call mother as well. Either way, mum or aunt, she is such a delight! One of my favourite persons actually. While I had the chance to bond with her, once again my mother and I had no chance. When I got to campus, our relationship started blooming. Suddenly, we didn’t argue as much when I got home from school. I understood that she had to “order” me around and I knew when I was wrong. Despite being stubborn, I tried to see life from her perspective. I knew that it was bad to say no, so even when she told me to do something and I hated it, I still did it. She had also grown to know me by then, so when she could tell I didn’t want to do something she had asked me to do and she was in a position to do it, she did it.


      During my second year in Campus I got pregnant. While the scared me thought it would break the newly found relationship with my mother even before it blossomed further, things took a turn for the better. My mother never once shouted at me, even though I know it was hard for her to explain to people why I was pregnant. Because believe me, they asked. Somehow, she knew that I had already “punished myself for my sins.” For me, her being able to understand me and stand by me when she had every reason not to was everything. Still, I did not want to burden her, so once Leroy was born, I did not leave him behind when going to school. This, my mother loved about me. It was like my stubbornness was finally a good thing 😊😊


      She would always call to ask how we were coping, and juggling with school. Even though I didn’t know it then (because to me it was what I was supposed to do), turns out I was killing it! By the time I was done with campus, my mom and I had an okay relationship. By okay, I mean, above average; definitely miles from where we started, but so far away from where we are now. I could say at the time, we were just acquainted 😂😂😂


      Our relationship then still had boundaries. For instance, I can now tell my mom I do not want to do something, or go somewhere. Then, I could not😂 She was more of my mother than she was my friend, and I was still partially afraid of her and she partially felt like she had to keep some distance between us to maintain the respect. From the year 2018, the year I moved out of my parents’ house, my relationship with my mother has just flourished!
      I think as I grow older, I resonate more with my mother because I grow to be more like her each day. As for her, she has grown to understand that I am different from her and accepted that. She understands that I do not have to do things exactly how she does them. And unlike before, she is welcome to learning new and unconventional ways of doing things. How did I even forget to mention this? One of the greatest reasons my mother and I disagreed was because of how I did “things”. The different ways in which I mopped the house, did laundry, and especially the way I cooked! My mother was not open to new ideas. I mean, in most cases she was right, but in some ways, I was right. But being a stubborn child, I wanted to do it my way, and she did not like hearing, “the end justifies the means.” 

      Remember when I said I was growing to be more like her every day? I am that controlling woman who wants things done her way now! *Sighs* Funny thing is, my mother is so open to seeing things from my perspective now – which I love!

      Oh yes, there is another major aspect which has greatly contributed to my “perfect” relationship with my mother — I don’t know how to defend myself. I am always the oppressed person who calls their mother whenever people and the world turn on them. I will always be silent then call my mother to report about all the evil things y’all do to me. So the next time we disagree and I jokingly tell you, “nitakusema kwa mamangu,” I’m not joking 🤣 Heck I even tell that to my Leroy— and actually report him by the way. Ooh, and yes, my mother calls me to talk to my dad on her behalf now.


      My mother has been admitted to the hospital twice now. It has been sad yes, but not without its advantages. First, she got better, and second, the time spent with her was exactly what our relationship needed to fully blossom to, “my ideal” relationship with her.
      We had enough intimate time, to just enjoy each other’s company. I could explain to her what I do, and am planning to do carefully such that she understood. I got her perspective in life properly, tapped in on her very spiritual self, and much more. For the first time, I can now be totally free with her. And she does not feel like she needs to be “my mother” for me to respect her. She knows the respect is there.  Ooh and the best part, we could gossip about y’all for hours😅
      No, maybe that’s not the best part, I think the best part is I can tell her, “aki mom usinitume saa hii,” or “na mom leo umenituma sana.” And maybe she can hit me back with, ” na bado utaenda nikikutuma tena.” And she’s always right, because despite being stubborn, I am not disobedient. And in light of our “perfect” relationship, I would never say no to that woman.

      Speaking of which, I just remembered that her birthday is in five days, so now I can tell her over our routine hour-long phone calls, that this is my gift to her😅

      ❤❤❤❤

      Nyambura Macharia